The life in the blank pages

It happens to the most beautiful journal. Even the one that is so comfortable to write in. I find so much comfort in getting my thoughts out one day and then it happens. The blank page that lingers for months on end, sometimes extending into years. When I open the many journals around my house I can usually flip right to that empty page. I often stare at it and try to remember what all happened between that last written page and this new page I'm about to start.

I was looking through this journal and was sort of shocked to see how little I have actually written this year. I'm not sure why that makes me so sad. I guess because I has once found so much comfort in pouring out my thoughts here..

There has been so much life happening in the empty pages of this journal. So many good things and more upsetting things too (which is to be expected).  As I start this new page in the journal, I find myself hesitant to get into the specifics of what I am praying through. Perhaps it's because I feel like I need to get reacquainted with this part of my life.  I'm not used to just blurting things out anymore. But in an effort to get myself used to it more quickly, here are some examples of what has been going on this year.

• I began this year with a goal of loosing 60lbs of my body weight. I have prayed and struggled through many temptations. I have begun exercising more regularly and have become more conscious of what I am eating nutritionally. As of today I am less than 5lbs from my goal (4.1 to be exact). I know in my heart that the only reason for my success is that God is good and he has given me the strength and wisdom that is needed because I have prayed for them nearly every day.
• My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer earlier this year. We are so happy to see God working through his treatments and are praising Him for every victory and positive report along this journey. We are confident that God is close to our family, especially my dad, throughout this experience. He is the Healer and we are praying for him to heal Dad. It will be so wonderful to celebrate his birthday with him this weekend!
• I am excitedly expecting a new niece to join our family in January! We are rejoicing with my brother and sister-in-law to see that God has turned their mourning into dancing, just as the Psalmist said. We also were excited to welcome our friends' babies into the world. Every baby is such a blessing and gift, they bring so much joy!

There has been so much more happening that I really can't take the time to write about. I guess I'll just have to get back into the habit of journaling again.

Live Generously

I have started reading through the Bible again for my daily devotions. For months it seemed that I just could not get it together in that department. I would think of a million excuses for not sitting down and picking up the Bible to read. My most commonly used excuse was, "My brain is too tired, I just want to veg and not think." Or another, "Wasting time on the computer is so much more fun than reading the Bible." For months these excuses worked and my spiritual-life and thought-life suffered for it (not to mention the housework).

Last month my husband began to encourage me to start again. Subtly at first and then a direct encouragement about the difference he saw in my spirit when I was having my relationship-building quiet times with God. I couldn't deny the difference I felt within myself and so I prayed for strength and started again, with the New Testament this time. I am so thankful that God has been drawing me back to a closer walk with Him. He has been faithful in encouraging my heart and giving conviction and challenges left and right.

Most recently the conviction and challenge that has been in my mind the most is from Matthew 5:41-42:

And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life.No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. [Emphasis mine]  

 And further down, in verse 48:

In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you. [Emphasis mine]

This is such a huge challenge for me because I can, at times, tend to stew and mull and nit-pick and jump to invalid conclusions.  It can be so hard for me to just let things go. I don't like confrontation at all, in fact I tend to avoid it, to a fault. I would much rather just play the offense over and over in my head so that I can pick apart every detail of it.

These verses and the challenges contained in them came at a time when I really needed them. My prayer has been, "Lord, help me live generously and graciously. Help me let it go." Over and over, fighting the urge to replay the scene(s) in a continual loop. Did I win every single battle? No. But I believe God has the victory and I was able to swallow my pride and just let some things go. And you know what? After a little while, it actually felt good to do so. So often I feel like my emotions dictate the situation and that actually makes me feel out of control and locked into a pattern of "tit-for-tat" mentally. Letting it go felt like I was back under control and it was a relief.

God is so awesome! I love it when he prepares me for situations ahead of time. I love it even more when he reminds me that I am prepared for the battle and gives me his strength to face it.

One YEAR!

I have officially been journaling for ONE YEAR!! I feel like this is some progress in my life since I usually give up my journals within a few short weeks after starting them.  Maybe if my other journals gave me such great interaction and feedback as this one has things would have been different ;oP

Anyway, what an amazing, awesome thing to be able to look back over this year and see in writing everything God has taught me, everything he is still working out in my life, and the hope of things he will continue to unfold along this journey.  It is incredible to see how much my perspective has changed in such a short time. As I remember back to some of the hardest things I have journaled about - struggling to hold on to hope while waiting for our child, struggling to hold on while it felt like our finances were crumbling, learning how to regroup after intense conviction in my heart - those times felt like I'd never move on from them, as if my whole would stop in the midst.  However, in hindsight, they really do feel like "light momentary afflictions" just as the Bible calls them.  Don't get me wrong, the lessons haven't been forgotten, the pain needed be recovered from (some that is still slightly there) but God was faithful in being by my side and healing the pain.

How encouraging that is! Each and every hard time, frustration, confusion, was used to bring me closer to God (Philippians 2:13 ESV). I am confident that I will continue to have hard times, frustrations, confusions as well as happy times and exciting insights that will stir my heart to God - I have a lot of learning to do and God won't give up until it's done. I'm looking forward to what my God has to teach me during this next year and I'm really looking forward to journaling about it!

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." 2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV

"for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:13 ESV

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

Imperfection At It's Best

Sometimes I get into the habit of thinking that I've got it all together - I think, "I got this." Lately, however, I've been coming face to face with my absolute humanity. There is a reason there is a Proverb that says, "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." I'm usually a pretty crafty person and enjoy doing lots of creative things but recently it seems as though everything I put together falls apart pretty quickly or just doesn't come together the way I thought/hoped it would.  When this happens a lot, I tend to start feeling like a failure and not even want to try anything. Of course, this Christmas I have a few crafty projects on my to-do list and have been a little apprehensive about starting them for fear of failure. And it's not just the crafting stuff that I've been feeling like a failure about, there are other areas in my life that have had the light of God's correction on them and I've just been so, hmmmm...embarrassed, frustrated, annoyed with myself, etcetera, etcetera...about them. So this morning I took some time and prayed about it all. As I was praying a list began forming in my mind...

I am not perfect, the list:

• I focus on myself when I should focus on others
• I spend when I should save
• I save when I should give
• I yell when I should keep my mouth shut
• I keep my mouth shut when I should speak up
• I am not offended when there is an offense against God's Kingdom
• I am quick to be offended when my pride is injured
• I have my feet up relaxing when my hand should be to the plow
• My hand is to the plow when I should be resting
• I am not happy with what God has generously given and all too often only notice the blessing when it's gone
• I give up when I should press on
• I press the issue when I should relent

On and on the list can go. As my "imperfection list"began getting longer and longer and as I quickly spouted one thing off after another, a section from Paul's letter to the Romans came to my mind, 

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." (ESV)

You would think that my list of imperfections would keep me down in the dumps and my head down in frustration and guilt. But just as I began feeling like there is no hope and I'll never have what it takes, I remembered, "DUH, that's exactly how I'm supposed to feel in light of Jesus' perfection."

The light began to peak through the darkness that I was feeling in my heart and I began to realize that God has been showing me just how much I need Him. The list of my imperfections is so long and all too true. But does that mean that I am doomed to failure for my entire life? Nope. Because once this life on earth is done my new life will begin and never end. The life of righteousness that is promised to all those who trust in Christ and him alone for salvation.

Thoughts from earlier this summer.

I don't know about you (my fellow blogging friends), but after I started blogging or even reading blogs, the way I processed life's happenings changed a little. I started coming up with ways to describe what was happening to other people even in the midst of thing I was planning to describe later. Sick, I know.

About a month before our annual vacation (which occurred last week), we started to loose some footing with our finances. During one of the discussions surrounding this issue I was feeling really overwhelmed and a little frightened. As I was trying to process everything all of a sudden this exact thought went through my head, "Financially we are not doing so great. Actually to be more precise, we are drowning." Who does that? Who comes up with these "one-liners" in order to make sense of everything going on? Well, apparently, I do. 

Here's the awesome thing about my thought process, as soon as I thought the word "drowning", the imagry of an article I had read a couple weeks before came washing over me. This article is about what it really looks like when one is drowning. The author is Mario Vittone and he points out that actual drowning looks nothing like what we are so used to seeing on TV. The TV version shows someone splashing and screaming and able to turn attention to themselves. The real version is much scarier, silence and apparent calm. If you were to observe someone in the process of drowning from behind, you might never know that they are actually in grave danger.

The connection I made in my mind and my heart that evening was this, people wouldn't know to look at us that we are struggling everyday to keep our head above water, but we are. My instinct in trouble is to be tight lipped, to smile and act like I don't feel that my world is crumbling around me. When the illustration of drowning was applied to this instinct, I was convicted once again that, as a Christian this is not how I am supposed to behave. I'm supposed to be open about my short-comings and failures so that the glory and honor of any of "my" success is directed to God. When others see me experience hard times*, they will also get to see God work when he provides over and above what we could have asked for.  How will they know the greatness of what God has done if they don't see the depth of where I was? I was reminded of Paul and his openness about who he was before Christ entered his life. He was so open about not earning any of the grace he received. I was encouraged by his letter to Timothy, in it he says:

The only credentials I brought to it were invective and witch hunts and arrogance. But I was treated mercifully because I didn’t know what I was doing—didn’t know Who I was doing it against! Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus. Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I’m proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever. (1 Tim 1:13-16)

Once again I'm striving to be more open about all that God has done for me. It's sort of easier to do in writing, since I don't have to see anyone's face. But I've been trying to push myself to not just smile and say "everything's fine" when people ask. I'm making an effort to be more accurate, to not play out a charade and let others see that God is able to be trusted even in the hard times.



*I recently found two sections of scripture that help in the midst of a hard time as a result of my bad decisions and sinful nature. These are Romans 6 and Lamentations 3. Both are excellent and well worth a read if you have time.

Dear Journal,

It's been such a long time since I've written anything.  There's so much going on inside my head and my heart, I feel like I can't get a grasp on any one thing to make a good journal entry about it. My "friendship" study is not going anywhere and I feel like my Bible reading is pretty aimless right now.  I want my heart to be full of praising God for all the good he has done, for all of his provisions and protection, for the beauty of his creation and so on. Instead, while I do praise him and thank him, my heart is full of questions, weary from waiting, wondering at his plan. I guess I need to start practicing what is taught in the Psalms to get my soul out of the dumps. I need to start "rehearsing everything I know of [him]." (Psalm 42:6) So, here we go, my list of what I personally know of God (and can put into words).

• God created this earth and I am continually enthralled by the beauty of his artistry.
• God is in control over everything and nothing goes unnoticed by him.
• God loves me and in his love, he disciplines me 
• God never pushes me past the limit in any test or temptation I face.
• God chooses better for me than I choose for myself. Even if it doesn't always feel like it at the time.
• God gives good gifts - just what we need, just when we need it
• God listens to my heart, knows what I am feeling, and provides answers and encouragement through conversations with fellow believers, through songs on the radio, through sermons at church and through my quiet time with Him.
• God has spared my very life on multiple occasions. He knows how long I will live.
• God provides people to love me the way I am and gives me love for people, just the way they are.

There is so much more but this is a good list for me to repeat to myself for the day.

Psalm 42:5-9 MSG

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.

Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.

Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
“Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?”

Weighing Struggles

"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but i don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Romans 7: 18-20 (MSG)

As I was reading this chapter in Romans this morning, I was totally convicted about my struggle with dieting and exercising.  I have read this verse so many times before but there have always been other sins and struggles that have come to the forefront of my mind.  This morning, I believe the Lord was talking directly to my heart. Why? Because, just last night I was telling Jeremy that part of the reason I don't give everything I have to get active and loose weight is because I know how sore I'm going to be the next few days (cough-weeks).

The interesting thing is that I've been having conversations with God about my focus over the past 11+ months.  I have been so focused on praying that he would work out our adoption, bring us our child and let us get out of this place of waiting.  I've grown uncomfortable with asking for prayer for this so often and not seeing anything else in my life that needs attention.  So, I've been praying that he would help me see other areas in my life that need him.  Areas that I've ignored because of this pressing "problem" (see previous post) of being childless.  

This morning, he saw fit to give me an area to work on.  So many times in my life I have determined to loose weight, thinking, "If I just stick to program ______  or work-out ___ many times a week then I will loose all the weight I want to loose." Then, a week...two days...one day into the program/work-out schedule I give up. Recently, I don't think it would even be right to label this a struggle, since I've pretty much accepted where I am and given up hope that it will change.  That is, until I read Paul's struggle in Romans again.

At first glance, those verses seem utterly discouraging. I'm doomed to do what I don't want to do and not do what I want to do. It seems as though there is no escape. However, the answer comes later on in in verses 24-25, "I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

My problem has been that I've tried to loose this weight on my own, for my own reasons, focusing on myself and how I can make myself feel better about myself.  This morning I was encouraged to wage war on this part of myself. How am I going to do it? I have no idea right now. But I know that God is able to do this and I need to let him lead. He has conquered this sin and it is only by his strength that I will be able to have any success.
 
I'm thankful for a new struggle to lift up to God. I know that I will be sore, physically, mentally and spiritually. However, as God has told us, "My strength comes into its own in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Pray with me that I will not focus on my own efforts, but be obedient and trust God's plan for my life and health.