One YEAR!

I have officially been journaling for ONE YEAR!! I feel like this is some progress in my life since I usually give up my journals within a few short weeks after starting them.  Maybe if my other journals gave me such great interaction and feedback as this one has things would have been different ;oP

Anyway, what an amazing, awesome thing to be able to look back over this year and see in writing everything God has taught me, everything he is still working out in my life, and the hope of things he will continue to unfold along this journey.  It is incredible to see how much my perspective has changed in such a short time. As I remember back to some of the hardest things I have journaled about - struggling to hold on to hope while waiting for our child, struggling to hold on while it felt like our finances were crumbling, learning how to regroup after intense conviction in my heart - those times felt like I'd never move on from them, as if my whole would stop in the midst.  However, in hindsight, they really do feel like "light momentary afflictions" just as the Bible calls them.  Don't get me wrong, the lessons haven't been forgotten, the pain needed be recovered from (some that is still slightly there) but God was faithful in being by my side and healing the pain.

How encouraging that is! Each and every hard time, frustration, confusion, was used to bring me closer to God (Philippians 2:13 ESV). I am confident that I will continue to have hard times, frustrations, confusions as well as happy times and exciting insights that will stir my heart to God - I have a lot of learning to do and God won't give up until it's done. I'm looking forward to what my God has to teach me during this next year and I'm really looking forward to journaling about it!

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." 2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV

"for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:13 ESV

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

Updates on Prayers

I'm the type of person that likes updates when I'm praying for people. So, I thought it would be good for me to take some time to give you some updates on things that I've been praying about lately, just in case you have been praying as well. 

First, on the adoption front, there have been one or two more situations with our agency for which we were not chosen. It is strange to say, but I had total peace about those decisions. There was one that we felt like was a big stretch for us but went for it anyway. God knows us better than we know ourselves and so it was a weird kind of relief when we weren't selected. There haven't been any new situations with the agency for a few weeks now. I'm not really concerned because I remember last year being the same way, so I feel more prepared for this year.

Secondly, on the job/finances front, I have found a part-time jobish type thing. I have a hard time calling it a job because it doesn't actually pay money. You might think I'm crazy given our financial state-of-affairs, but Jeremy has been able to pick up more coverage hours since the beginning of the school year, which has meant more inflow of money. The Lord is really providing for our needs now (and even some wants too!). I will most likely have to revisit the job-that-pays-money situation in the spring though because Jeremy's ability to work at schools will greatly decrease. But that's okay and I'm sure God will provide what we need when we need it.

So what is this job-type situation? Well, I've been working a couple/few days a week for a guy that teaches cooking classes! I stay in the background (setting up ingredients, washing dishes, etc.) while he is teaching the class. I LOVE it! In return for my hard work I get to take any class I want to for free AND if I work a bunch of times without taking classes I can have my own "party" and do a class with a bunch of my friends! This is such a good fit for me because I love to cook and I love to learn about cooking (I used to watch the Food Network for HOURS). It has been a huge blessing and a relief to the loneliness and purposelessness that I've been feeling.

Well, speaking of purpose, I have to end this entry now. I have a disgusting carpet that unfortunately won't steam clean itself. Thanks for reading and keeping me in your prayers! 

Job Search

I wonder, does everyone else in the world go through the same struggle of trying to keep up with a journal or is it just me? I've never really been good at it; I go through phases at best.  I probably should have 'fessed up to that in the beginning, oh well. Here's what is going on in my spiritual journey these days. I've almost completely decided that I'm going to be searching for a part-time job in the very imminent future (convincing?). It's been in the back of my mind for a long time now and I've been sort of praying about a what to do, where to apply, etc. In the past few weeks it's been in the very front of my mind and I pray about it every time I think of it.  I have never felt so directionless in my life, ok, probably I have - but I'm starting to get annoyed with myself.

There are so many things that I want to get out of this "job" this time around. I don't want a career, I want a job. Thankfully, the income needs only be supplemental, so I want to do something I like to do, and not feel bad about not being paid a lot. This job though, will get me out of the house for a few hours a week so that I can see people and be social again.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that I work from home and have most of my day to myself (I'm selfish like that), but I've been feeling more and more lonely as time goes on and that is not good. I'm looking forward to opening myself up to another "life sphere" as my pastor calls it - an area of influence, people you are in contact with on a regular basis.

The problem is that I'm having a hard time figuring out where I fit in. The last time I worked in a bookstore, I loved it. I enjoyed talking with people about books, music, etc. Sure there were really annoying things that happened and the pay stunk, but when I think back over every job I had, that's what I enjoyed the most. I've been asking God if that's where I fit, if that's where he wants me to be planted and I keep feeling like it's an "almost". I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my laziness or fear of change is weighing too heavily on the decision, or is it truly not the right fit?

Another bit of advice I've been given is to use my creative talents and do something in the graphic design avenue. While this idea is very attractive to me, it is also beyond overwhelming for me to think about. I have no schooling in this area and only minimal experience. I also have a hard time knowing for sure if I'm really good at it or just a hacker. It also doesn't get me out of the house and around people. But am I just being a scaredy cat and not taking a plunge that will lead to a fulfilling employment?

So at the end of this entry I still am filled with questions. After months of passively thinking/praying and weeks of actively thinking/praying about it, I'm still in the same deadlock. Not sure which step to take. I know a decision has to be made and soon. I'll let you know what pans out...in the mean time, any suggestions?

God’s wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes.You don’t find it lying around on the surface. It’s not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. 

1 Corinthians 2:7 

Thoughts from earlier this summer.

I don't know about you (my fellow blogging friends), but after I started blogging or even reading blogs, the way I processed life's happenings changed a little. I started coming up with ways to describe what was happening to other people even in the midst of thing I was planning to describe later. Sick, I know.

About a month before our annual vacation (which occurred last week), we started to loose some footing with our finances. During one of the discussions surrounding this issue I was feeling really overwhelmed and a little frightened. As I was trying to process everything all of a sudden this exact thought went through my head, "Financially we are not doing so great. Actually to be more precise, we are drowning." Who does that? Who comes up with these "one-liners" in order to make sense of everything going on? Well, apparently, I do. 

Here's the awesome thing about my thought process, as soon as I thought the word "drowning", the imagry of an article I had read a couple weeks before came washing over me. This article is about what it really looks like when one is drowning. The author is Mario Vittone and he points out that actual drowning looks nothing like what we are so used to seeing on TV. The TV version shows someone splashing and screaming and able to turn attention to themselves. The real version is much scarier, silence and apparent calm. If you were to observe someone in the process of drowning from behind, you might never know that they are actually in grave danger.

The connection I made in my mind and my heart that evening was this, people wouldn't know to look at us that we are struggling everyday to keep our head above water, but we are. My instinct in trouble is to be tight lipped, to smile and act like I don't feel that my world is crumbling around me. When the illustration of drowning was applied to this instinct, I was convicted once again that, as a Christian this is not how I am supposed to behave. I'm supposed to be open about my short-comings and failures so that the glory and honor of any of "my" success is directed to God. When others see me experience hard times*, they will also get to see God work when he provides over and above what we could have asked for.  How will they know the greatness of what God has done if they don't see the depth of where I was? I was reminded of Paul and his openness about who he was before Christ entered his life. He was so open about not earning any of the grace he received. I was encouraged by his letter to Timothy, in it he says:

The only credentials I brought to it were invective and witch hunts and arrogance. But I was treated mercifully because I didn’t know what I was doing—didn’t know Who I was doing it against! Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus. Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I’m proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever. (1 Tim 1:13-16)

Once again I'm striving to be more open about all that God has done for me. It's sort of easier to do in writing, since I don't have to see anyone's face. But I've been trying to push myself to not just smile and say "everything's fine" when people ask. I'm making an effort to be more accurate, to not play out a charade and let others see that God is able to be trusted even in the hard times.



*I recently found two sections of scripture that help in the midst of a hard time as a result of my bad decisions and sinful nature. These are Romans 6 and Lamentations 3. Both are excellent and well worth a read if you have time.