Public vs. Private

This is a decision that I have been thinking about all week.  I've always been labeled "shy" not just by others, but I claim that label to myself often.  Many people who know me know that I tend to be pretty private about life.  I don't really open up about everything going on all at once. I don't generally walk up to someone I've never met and say, "Hey, I'm Livi and I'm convicted about loosing weight." This week, I started doing just that.

 I started blogging earlier this week and have been discussing what I believe to be deep-down personal internal struggles. To me, it feels like I'm having a conversation with people I may not know and telling them things that I have until now only really discussed with my husband or sister or other very close friend. Why the change? If I'm such an incredibly private person, why create a blog of all things? Well, once again it has to do with a nagging challenge that has been in my mind since earlier this winter.  

This winter I read through the gospel books of the Bible (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and I was touched by the fact that Jesus lived his life in the public eye.  Even the 40 days he spent alone in the desert, wrestling with Satan's temptations was discussed with his disciples and it is included in his Word for us to learn from. Reading about Jesus' public life, his ministry, got me thinking about how private I am about my life. Then, to give a louder voice to this nagging in my mind, I began working on the study guide for the Metamorpha book I briefly mentioned in an early post.  The first question was, "What word describes my spiritual life?" I sat and thought, and prayed. I didn't want to just put the canned answer that would make me look good "Fulfilling" or "Awesome." I wanted to describe it for real and asked myself to try to think about it from someone else looking at my spiritual life. And then it hit me, ouch! The one word that came to mind was "Private." That's like the opposite of what it should be!  Everything in my Christian upbringing was screaming in my head last night as I wrote that word "Private." I was quickly reminded of those little boxes I checked as I began my blog a few days ago.

So, this morning when I woke up I knew what I had to do.  My first step of living a less "private" spiritual life was creating this blog (and then un-checking all those privacy boxes). This morning, I knew what my next step had to be and I've been dreading it all morning. My next step {pause for dramatic effect} is actually telling people that I've created a blog. I wish I'd been led to create a more happy-go-lucky blog that is full of pictures and happy thoughts that occur to me throughout my day. But no, I felt sincerely led to write about some of these internal struggles that have been on my mind and share in the lessons that God is teaching me and the growing pains that come from those lessons.

It'll probably feel like you are reading my journal sometimes (hence the blog title) both to you and to me.  However, perhaps something that I'm learning will coincide with something you are experiencing. Or maybe you have something you've learned that will help with a circumstance in my life. Either way, I am one step further along the journey of sharing my spiritual life with you and that feels scary, terrifying, embarrassing but in a good way. :oD

Dear Diary,

UPDATE: I have decided to make this blog {gulp} PUBLIC. So, while some of what is below is now obsolete, a good bit of it serves as an introduction.

I'm sure that I'll feel more comfortable about this whole blogging thing after a while. However, right now it feels sort of like I'm exposing my self to the world. Although, I am pretty sure I checked all the right boxes so that only certain people (Jeremy) are able to read this for now.  I've been wanting to create a diary for a while now, but I loose interest in paper diaries and putting a password protected file on your computer just makes everyone suspicious.

Here are things that are on my plate as I sit and type:
 - I am a stay-at-home wife with a part-time job as a marketing/graphic design "guru" for Comprehensive Injury Prevention Solutions, Inc.  the business that my husband is a part-owner (vice president). The first couple of years we said that with a snicker because there were only 3 people in the company. However, as of today they are 3-full-timers-and-6-part-timers strong.  Praise God!

 - I have been an approved, waiting adoptive mother for just shy of a year (11 months at the end of this month). I'm pretty sure that most of my posts will be about this phase of my life.

 - A couple women from church and a couple friends from outside of church and I are just starting a Bible study called Metamorpha by Kyle Strobel. The study guide for this book encourages its readers to blog about their experience throughout the book. I'm not sure I want to do this publicly yet, but I may open this blog up later on.

 - Jer & I have agreed to be leaders in training for a marriage course called Love & Respect.  We have never taken this marriage course before, and have only watched the first two sessions on our own.  I'd say we have a great marriage, but I've recently been challenged with the thought that every marriage needs work all the time. It's true, I definitely see ill-effects from the two of us "taking it easy" when it comes to our marriage relationship.  We don't communicate as much or as deeply as we used to. In recent months, we have been working on this and the marriage course has already had some positive effects on our interactions. More on that later too I'm sure.

Well, that's not everything that's going on but is most of what captures my attention these days.  I hope that the process of typing out my thoughts will be therapeutic and will help me sift through some of what is going on in my head.

Thanks to Jeremy for encouraging me to start a blog and for being the only one besides myself that is able to read it. I love you!