Untitled Reflections

The year started with so much joy and happy expectation. In January we became parents! In that sense 2011 was such a beautiful year! A year of getting to know our son and experience life with him. I enjoyed the immense blessing of being able to work part-time from home. Being home with our son, watching him continue grow and develop is a gift that I will always cherish - even during teething days.  In the beginning, I would often get the question, "So, how do you like being a mom?" I always stumbled with an answer - how do you put words to such a profound gift and blessing? It is hard to explain that when I became a mom I finally felt like "myself." During years of longing, waiting, praying, I had started to wonder if God had a different plan for my life. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a mom like I'd always thought.  At the end of 2010 and in the beginning of 2011, God gave us the most beautiful gift of our son, through the sacrifice of his biological mom, and he confirmed the desires of my heart. As we are at the end of 2011 and my little baby boy is nearing his first birthday, I stand in awe of just how sovereign my God is and how richly he chose to bless us this year.

2011 was also a tragic year. In another sense, it is ending so much differently than I imagined. So much daily happiness found in parenting our son and yet so much sadness and pain in losing babies I loved before I knew them. I believe life begins at conception; this year our family has lost 5 little lives I was not able to meet outside their mothers' wombs. My nephew, William, and his twin among those lost. In the midst of this grieving there have been broken and intensely wounded hearts, sickness and physical pain attack those I hold dear in my hearts.

I remember at the end of 2010 I thought that I had enough of the sadness and disappointment contained in that year, I was looking forward to the fresh start of 2011. The anticipated joy of meeting our child and experiencing our life as a family of three instead of two - it was enough excitement to fool me into forgetting that this world is full of trouble. I was reminded of this truth not long into the year and since then I have been struggling to answer the question of how I can feel so happy and so incredibly sad at the exact same time.

Many times throughout the days/weeks/months I find myself thinking, "Life shouldn't be like this. There shouldn't be this much sorrow and death." I'm not blaming God, it just feels like an inward tug on my heart. As I prayed through these thoughts one day, the phrase I've emphasized in Ecclesiastes 3:11 came to mind:

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. (ESV)

I was so struck with the notion of having eternity in my heart. My heart knows that sin has ruined a perfect creation and it knows that there is somewhere far better and more perfect than I could ever imagine. My heart groans, knowing that indeed life shouldn't be like this, but in fact with sin, life is full of sorrow, sickness and pain. In the midst of these troubles there is hope. Some days it feels as though it is buried very far down and others it is overflowing the surface.

This hope, as my Pastor Stan Gale says, is not a "hope so" type of hope. It is firmly rooted in Jesus Christ and a saving relationship with him. It is through this relationship that I am able to face the heartache I am bound to face every year until Jesus returns. It is because of my knowledge that nothing good comes from my own work, I am able to rejoice knowing that "every good and every perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17 ESV).

It is tempting to approach 2012 with an attitude that surely, it must be better than 2011. I think it is natural for me to look ahead at this new year and hope that the ups will out number the downs. However, I've become so aware that each and every year holds beautiful blessings along side deep sorrow. A new year may be a new start, one that I am looking forward to, but this year I can't help but feeling like there will be more of the same. There will be trials and troubles, and there will be joy and blessings, all of which will be gifts from above.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4 MSG)

It is important for me to remember that the year 2012 does not hold the answer to the frustration I feel in 2011. Hoping in the new start will leave me disappointed in the end. Having my hope firmly rooted in Jesus Christ gives me Joy that nothing can take away and the strength to look forward to all that God has planned for my life, year after year.

Version Upgrade

I have a couple times of my day that are more conducive to just letting my mind wander and mull things over. Sometimes it's while Micah is napping, sometimes while I'm showering. Today, that time was after Micah fell back to sleep at 6:45 a.m. and I had a chance to prepare some pears for him to eat. For me, there's something so soothing about pealing and chopping food, it just frees me up to let my thoughts run free.

This morning my mind started wandering back to high school and that version of myself. Immediately, the embarrassment, self-consciousness and fears all flooded back into my mind and heart. Am I the only one that has such a hard time letting go of a particular version of myself? I doubt it, but it sure feels like it sometimes. This morning I found that I was able to sort of take a step back and consider things on a deeper level.  These days, when I think back to my high school self, the embarrassment I feel is more about the state of my heart and how easy it was to act like everything was fine. I realized that I had such a judgmental attitude. I was a painfully shy person in HS but looking back, I have come to a realization that my heart contained the sin of judging others and jumping to wrong conclusions from my vantage point on the outside of things.

One of the things I've learned over the years both through painful personal experiences and through watching others experiences - judging hurts and it is not our job. Jumping to conclusions when we are not privy to the inner workings of another's heart kills relationships! I get so sad when I think about relationships that I've ruined or not even given the chance to develop because I was so quick to judge based on a conclusion that I'd come up with all by myself. The sadness becomes more keen when I consider the times that another has judged or jumped to the wrong conclusion about my good intentions. I feel like God lets me go through those hard times so that I am more aware of my own sin and the hurt I cause others. Sadly though, it is still a sin with which I continue to struggle.

And so, when I'm taken back to my high school version, I feel embarrassed by the sin in my heart.  This morning's musings took a turn that was so helpful and healing for my heart. I was reminded that the grace and mercy, forgiveness and love God has shown me covers all versions of myself. It is this knowledge that helped me snap out of my normally painful memories and speak the truth to myself again and again. It was so wonderful to remember that I'm forgiven for my high school version, my college version, my newly married version, and the current version I'm on. I know that when I look back in 5, 10, 15 years, I'll be keenly aware of all the mistakes I've made now.

I was also encouraged to keep the same thing in mind when relating to others in my life. God has grace, mercy, forgiveness and love for their prior versions - why wouldn't I? He also has the same grace, mercy, forgiveness and love for their current version - why wouldn't I? We live in a world that is full of sin, even Christians are not immune. We commonly refer to ourselves as "Sinners saved by Grace." It is easy to apply this name to myself and so hard to remember that it applies to others as well.

Thanks be to God that He is continually teaching me and helping me grow into a better versions of myself. A version that I can only pray would resemble Him more and me less.

"Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof-Public Sinner Number One - of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off-evidence of his endless patience-to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever."

1 Timothy 1:15-16 MSG

An Ache In My Heart

I just feel like writing for a minute about how hard it is to watch loved ones go through faith-shaking experiences. This is not meant to undermine or diminish the trial that they are going through - it's just that I was thinking this morning: being part of a support system (family, friends, church, etc) can be rough when ultimately the only thing that is the most helpful is intangible and out of our control.

When people you love are hurting, it hurts. There are so many things that you may want to say as encouragement but it may not be the time for words. Knowing in your heart that God is Sovereign over all, that He loves stronger and deeper than you could ever love, that God is Good and his plans are Good, that he never loses control of an uncontrollable situation - knowing these things are foundational but speaking them aloud to a hurting loved one can sometimes bring pain and confusion; it may be needed but sometimes, to be honest, it hurts to hear it.

Prayer is powerful. God listens to the prayers of his people. Yet why does it feel so helpless to have nothing to do but pray? Sure, there are things to do that are helpful and beneficial: bring meals, keep company, etc., but they feel so inadequate when what I want to do is fix the situation myself.

As I've been thinking about this, there are a quite few verses that have been jumping into my mind, refuting the helpless feeling that is encroaching on my heart.

I know for a fact that I did not fully understand the gift of love from those who were supporting us while we were waiting for Micah. As I experience this heart-ache for those in my life who are hurting, I am reminded of our loved ones that felt this way for us and I am beyond grateful, I am humbled. Thank you.

We continue to wait and pray for God's will in a present situation. We know that he can do more than we could ever dream. We know that he is faithful and we are asking him to help us be a strong support for our loved ones. This ache in my heart is a constant reminder to pray - it is the best thing that I can do.

Remember, from before?

Remember when I used to blog almost every week? That was fun. I think I'll try that again.  

It took some time (6 months) to get back into consistent devotional time. But I've just started reading through the New Testament and am already feeling the urge to get back to my brand of "journaling." It is so neat to see how God's Word applies all the time. Every new situation and season of life brings new perspective and new things to learn from a God who never changes. I am hoping to get start publishing some thoughts again in this coming week.

One YEAR!

I have officially been journaling for ONE YEAR!! I feel like this is some progress in my life since I usually give up my journals within a few short weeks after starting them.  Maybe if my other journals gave me such great interaction and feedback as this one has things would have been different ;oP

Anyway, what an amazing, awesome thing to be able to look back over this year and see in writing everything God has taught me, everything he is still working out in my life, and the hope of things he will continue to unfold along this journey.  It is incredible to see how much my perspective has changed in such a short time. As I remember back to some of the hardest things I have journaled about - struggling to hold on to hope while waiting for our child, struggling to hold on while it felt like our finances were crumbling, learning how to regroup after intense conviction in my heart - those times felt like I'd never move on from them, as if my whole would stop in the midst.  However, in hindsight, they really do feel like "light momentary afflictions" just as the Bible calls them.  Don't get me wrong, the lessons haven't been forgotten, the pain needed be recovered from (some that is still slightly there) but God was faithful in being by my side and healing the pain.

How encouraging that is! Each and every hard time, frustration, confusion, was used to bring me closer to God (Philippians 2:13 ESV). I am confident that I will continue to have hard times, frustrations, confusions as well as happy times and exciting insights that will stir my heart to God - I have a lot of learning to do and God won't give up until it's done. I'm looking forward to what my God has to teach me during this next year and I'm really looking forward to journaling about it!

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." 2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV

"for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:13 ESV

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

Imperfection At It's Best

Sometimes I get into the habit of thinking that I've got it all together - I think, "I got this." Lately, however, I've been coming face to face with my absolute humanity. There is a reason there is a Proverb that says, "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." I'm usually a pretty crafty person and enjoy doing lots of creative things but recently it seems as though everything I put together falls apart pretty quickly or just doesn't come together the way I thought/hoped it would.  When this happens a lot, I tend to start feeling like a failure and not even want to try anything. Of course, this Christmas I have a few crafty projects on my to-do list and have been a little apprehensive about starting them for fear of failure. And it's not just the crafting stuff that I've been feeling like a failure about, there are other areas in my life that have had the light of God's correction on them and I've just been so, hmmmm...embarrassed, frustrated, annoyed with myself, etcetera, etcetera...about them. So this morning I took some time and prayed about it all. As I was praying a list began forming in my mind...

I am not perfect, the list:

• I focus on myself when I should focus on others
• I spend when I should save
• I save when I should give
• I yell when I should keep my mouth shut
• I keep my mouth shut when I should speak up
• I am not offended when there is an offense against God's Kingdom
• I am quick to be offended when my pride is injured
• I have my feet up relaxing when my hand should be to the plow
• My hand is to the plow when I should be resting
• I am not happy with what God has generously given and all too often only notice the blessing when it's gone
• I give up when I should press on
• I press the issue when I should relent

On and on the list can go. As my "imperfection list"began getting longer and longer and as I quickly spouted one thing off after another, a section from Paul's letter to the Romans came to my mind, 

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." (ESV)

You would think that my list of imperfections would keep me down in the dumps and my head down in frustration and guilt. But just as I began feeling like there is no hope and I'll never have what it takes, I remembered, "DUH, that's exactly how I'm supposed to feel in light of Jesus' perfection."

The light began to peak through the darkness that I was feeling in my heart and I began to realize that God has been showing me just how much I need Him. The list of my imperfections is so long and all too true. But does that mean that I am doomed to failure for my entire life? Nope. Because once this life on earth is done my new life will begin and never end. The life of righteousness that is promised to all those who trust in Christ and him alone for salvation.

A Life on Hold, Defined.

Two years ago this week Jeremy & I attended an Educational Training for Domestic Adoption with our adoption agency.  We had literally just begun the paperwork "phase" of our adoption and attending this required, half-day class really started to make the whole thing real. Very little that we actually talked about has stuck with me (except for the part about me using poor "adoption language" because I was so focused on NOT using poor "adoption language" and I got to be an example for the whole class. And then there was the part where I was made to feel like an idiot because I have such a strong relationship with my family...but I digress). Thankfully, at this class we were given a big binder with tons of articles and information regarding adoption, child development, resources for what to do when there may be an adoption related issue with our child. On our ride home I began flipping through the binder and happened upon an interesting article titled "Lessons Learned While Waiting" by Dawn Powell, an adoptive mother.

The first lesson was "Don't put your life on hold while waiting. Make plans, commit to engagements, vacations, etc. Plan and do whatever you would do normally. Psalm 90:12" At the time I remember thinking, "That should be easy since we probably won't be waiting that long anyway." Cut to two years later and a year and a half in waiting status with our agency. Over the course of the year and half of waiting there were times that it was really hard to not be "on hold" and there have been times where life has almost been normal.

This week, when I picked up this binder to page through it again (I had no idea, but it was the exact two year mark, weird, right?), I turned to this page once more and I immediately felt sick. I've been flooded with memories of choices I've made, feelings I've had that all equal a life on hold. If someone had told me then, what I know now, I wonder how things would be different. Well, in the interest of hopefully helping someone else not make the same mistakes, here are some examples of a life on hold:

• Daily Life: When I first left my full-time job in order to work with Jeremy's company, I was ecstatic. I was so thankful that God had given me the opportunity, that he had blessed their hard work so that it was even feasible (still praising him now for that). But I went even further and saw it as a sign that God was freeing me up to be a stay-at-home mom just like I'd always dreamed. I spent most of my days getting the house ready for a baby, making sure everything was clean and organized. Everything I did was because we had/have an adoption in the works and everyone says how sudden it is when you get "the call". For a while, I always wanted be at home when the agency called. When I went to the store, I would envision myself having to have what could be a very emotional conversation in the middle of Wegmans (for example).
• Vacations: Yes, we went on vacations during these past two years. They were even fun. But to be honest I don't think I was completely present. On more than one occasion we had just gotten information about an adoptive situation and requested our profile to be shown to the birth parents. During our vacation we were waiting to hear what the outcome would be. I spent an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming about how fun it would be to get "the news" while we were with friends and family. Then, as time wore on, I would know in my gut that we weren't chosen and my thoughts would switch to "how am I going to keep it together and pretend everything is ok" when we would get the confirmation. 
• Missions: During our two years in this adoption journey there have been two opportunities to serve on short term missions trips. Both opportunities were declined because I was fearful of what would happen if we finally were chosen and we were no where near home and couldn't be reached by the agency. I'm so ashamed that I let my fears and my selfishness get in the way of what could have been a wonderful time of serving God.

I think the living of my life has been on hold. I may go through the motions and make plans, attend events, etc. In the article, Dawn Powell urged waiting parents to do what they would normally do. But I would go further, I would encourage waiting parents to strive to be present while you are doing what you normally do. Fight the desire to make everything about the waiting. Try to experience life to the fullest, take advantage of every opportunity that God gives you during this time.  Sure, waiting is a huge part of your life...unescapable for a time...and no one can really understand it unless you've been through it (or are still going through it). I wish I would have known what exactly I had to guard against in the beginning - the desire to live in the waiting, instead of living while I'm waiting. Thankfully, God has decided to make it clear to me now. I wish I could flip a switch and just stop the struggle, but in fact, it will take a battle to actually start living life again.

Oh! Teach us to live well! 

Teach us to live wisely and well!

Psalm 90:12 MSG

Public vs. Private

This is a decision that I have been thinking about all week.  I've always been labeled "shy" not just by others, but I claim that label to myself often.  Many people who know me know that I tend to be pretty private about life.  I don't really open up about everything going on all at once. I don't generally walk up to someone I've never met and say, "Hey, I'm Livi and I'm convicted about loosing weight." This week, I started doing just that.

 I started blogging earlier this week and have been discussing what I believe to be deep-down personal internal struggles. To me, it feels like I'm having a conversation with people I may not know and telling them things that I have until now only really discussed with my husband or sister or other very close friend. Why the change? If I'm such an incredibly private person, why create a blog of all things? Well, once again it has to do with a nagging challenge that has been in my mind since earlier this winter.  

This winter I read through the gospel books of the Bible (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and I was touched by the fact that Jesus lived his life in the public eye.  Even the 40 days he spent alone in the desert, wrestling with Satan's temptations was discussed with his disciples and it is included in his Word for us to learn from. Reading about Jesus' public life, his ministry, got me thinking about how private I am about my life. Then, to give a louder voice to this nagging in my mind, I began working on the study guide for the Metamorpha book I briefly mentioned in an early post.  The first question was, "What word describes my spiritual life?" I sat and thought, and prayed. I didn't want to just put the canned answer that would make me look good "Fulfilling" or "Awesome." I wanted to describe it for real and asked myself to try to think about it from someone else looking at my spiritual life. And then it hit me, ouch! The one word that came to mind was "Private." That's like the opposite of what it should be!  Everything in my Christian upbringing was screaming in my head last night as I wrote that word "Private." I was quickly reminded of those little boxes I checked as I began my blog a few days ago.

So, this morning when I woke up I knew what I had to do.  My first step of living a less "private" spiritual life was creating this blog (and then un-checking all those privacy boxes). This morning, I knew what my next step had to be and I've been dreading it all morning. My next step {pause for dramatic effect} is actually telling people that I've created a blog. I wish I'd been led to create a more happy-go-lucky blog that is full of pictures and happy thoughts that occur to me throughout my day. But no, I felt sincerely led to write about some of these internal struggles that have been on my mind and share in the lessons that God is teaching me and the growing pains that come from those lessons.

It'll probably feel like you are reading my journal sometimes (hence the blog title) both to you and to me.  However, perhaps something that I'm learning will coincide with something you are experiencing. Or maybe you have something you've learned that will help with a circumstance in my life. Either way, I am one step further along the journey of sharing my spiritual life with you and that feels scary, terrifying, embarrassing but in a good way. :oD

Things People Say

This is a train of thought that has been on my mind, churning about for some time now. There are things people say to couples who do not have children that, I believe with my heart, they think are encouraging.  To tell you the truth, I'm probably only speaking for myself here, but these comments are not encouraging and in all honesty feel more like salt in a wound.
 
Thankfully, I can't think of any specific examples (I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm calling them out specifically), but the gist of every such comment is...

You're so lucky, you should be thankful for all the time that you have now with your husband all alone. If you had kids your life would be more complicated and you wouldn't be able to do the things you can do now. You should be glad that you don't have kids.

Hearing these comments often arises a sarcastic response in my head, but I nod, smile and feebly agree. The truth is that I really do want to have children - it just hasn't happened for us yet. So these comments, although meant to make us feel better about not having children, often make us very cognizant of the absence of our child. 

Often my internal sarcasm points to the fault in the speaker, rather than to the sinful discontent in the hearer {me}.  In recent months, I have been convicted and challenged to consider the fact that God has, in fact, given me the grace I need to be joyful and grateful in this time of being childless. A verse that has just made an impact in my life again is Philippians 4:11b-13, quoting from the Message (since that is my devotional Bible):

"I've learned now how to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little.  I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

This verse has always been special to me, but recently I heard a Sunday School message that accentuated what I had already liked about the verse.  It was pointed out that often we just think of the positive side of what Paul is saying. However, half of what Paul talks about is considered suffering - having little, being hungry, empty hands. God gives us the grace we need in whatever circumstances he has placed us in.  Therefore, God has given me the grace I need to not know my child right now. For me, that was a light bulb being switched on in my head.  I'm still exploring this space that I didn't know about before.

When the time comes,  I know that he will give me the grace I need to get up multiple times during the night, multiple nights in a row and still make quality decisions even though I proably won't be able to string two words together in a sentance after a while.  I love how the Message states verse 13: Whatever I have [or don't have], wherever I am [or am not], I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. It is beautiful for me to think of it this way, and I have such an intense desire to abide with the One who made me who I am.

Blogging is a funny thing, I planned to have one train of thought but in the midst of thinking through it I was reminded of this recent conviction and I have arrived at a different ending.  Things people say may often remind me painfully of what I do not have. However, now I know that I do need to be thankful - whatever my circumstances because God has placed me here and given me everything I need to do his work while I'm here.