The life in the blank pages

It happens to the most beautiful journal. Even the one that is so comfortable to write in. I find so much comfort in getting my thoughts out one day and then it happens. The blank page that lingers for months on end, sometimes extending into years. When I open the many journals around my house I can usually flip right to that empty page. I often stare at it and try to remember what all happened between that last written page and this new page I'm about to start.

I was looking through this journal and was sort of shocked to see how little I have actually written this year. I'm not sure why that makes me so sad. I guess because I has once found so much comfort in pouring out my thoughts here..

There has been so much life happening in the empty pages of this journal. So many good things and more upsetting things too (which is to be expected).  As I start this new page in the journal, I find myself hesitant to get into the specifics of what I am praying through. Perhaps it's because I feel like I need to get reacquainted with this part of my life.  I'm not used to just blurting things out anymore. But in an effort to get myself used to it more quickly, here are some examples of what has been going on this year.

• I began this year with a goal of loosing 60lbs of my body weight. I have prayed and struggled through many temptations. I have begun exercising more regularly and have become more conscious of what I am eating nutritionally. As of today I am less than 5lbs from my goal (4.1 to be exact). I know in my heart that the only reason for my success is that God is good and he has given me the strength and wisdom that is needed because I have prayed for them nearly every day.
• My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer earlier this year. We are so happy to see God working through his treatments and are praising Him for every victory and positive report along this journey. We are confident that God is close to our family, especially my dad, throughout this experience. He is the Healer and we are praying for him to heal Dad. It will be so wonderful to celebrate his birthday with him this weekend!
• I am excitedly expecting a new niece to join our family in January! We are rejoicing with my brother and sister-in-law to see that God has turned their mourning into dancing, just as the Psalmist said. We also were excited to welcome our friends' babies into the world. Every baby is such a blessing and gift, they bring so much joy!

There has been so much more happening that I really can't take the time to write about. I guess I'll just have to get back into the habit of journaling again.

An Ache In My Heart

I just feel like writing for a minute about how hard it is to watch loved ones go through faith-shaking experiences. This is not meant to undermine or diminish the trial that they are going through - it's just that I was thinking this morning: being part of a support system (family, friends, church, etc) can be rough when ultimately the only thing that is the most helpful is intangible and out of our control.

When people you love are hurting, it hurts. There are so many things that you may want to say as encouragement but it may not be the time for words. Knowing in your heart that God is Sovereign over all, that He loves stronger and deeper than you could ever love, that God is Good and his plans are Good, that he never loses control of an uncontrollable situation - knowing these things are foundational but speaking them aloud to a hurting loved one can sometimes bring pain and confusion; it may be needed but sometimes, to be honest, it hurts to hear it.

Prayer is powerful. God listens to the prayers of his people. Yet why does it feel so helpless to have nothing to do but pray? Sure, there are things to do that are helpful and beneficial: bring meals, keep company, etc., but they feel so inadequate when what I want to do is fix the situation myself.

As I've been thinking about this, there are a quite few verses that have been jumping into my mind, refuting the helpless feeling that is encroaching on my heart.

I know for a fact that I did not fully understand the gift of love from those who were supporting us while we were waiting for Micah. As I experience this heart-ache for those in my life who are hurting, I am reminded of our loved ones that felt this way for us and I am beyond grateful, I am humbled. Thank you.

We continue to wait and pray for God's will in a present situation. We know that he can do more than we could ever dream. We know that he is faithful and we are asking him to help us be a strong support for our loved ones. This ache in my heart is a constant reminder to pray - it is the best thing that I can do.

Remember, from before?

Remember when I used to blog almost every week? That was fun. I think I'll try that again.  

It took some time (6 months) to get back into consistent devotional time. But I've just started reading through the New Testament and am already feeling the urge to get back to my brand of "journaling." It is so neat to see how God's Word applies all the time. Every new situation and season of life brings new perspective and new things to learn from a God who never changes. I am hoping to get start publishing some thoughts again in this coming week.

One YEAR!

I have officially been journaling for ONE YEAR!! I feel like this is some progress in my life since I usually give up my journals within a few short weeks after starting them.  Maybe if my other journals gave me such great interaction and feedback as this one has things would have been different ;oP

Anyway, what an amazing, awesome thing to be able to look back over this year and see in writing everything God has taught me, everything he is still working out in my life, and the hope of things he will continue to unfold along this journey.  It is incredible to see how much my perspective has changed in such a short time. As I remember back to some of the hardest things I have journaled about - struggling to hold on to hope while waiting for our child, struggling to hold on while it felt like our finances were crumbling, learning how to regroup after intense conviction in my heart - those times felt like I'd never move on from them, as if my whole would stop in the midst.  However, in hindsight, they really do feel like "light momentary afflictions" just as the Bible calls them.  Don't get me wrong, the lessons haven't been forgotten, the pain needed be recovered from (some that is still slightly there) but God was faithful in being by my side and healing the pain.

How encouraging that is! Each and every hard time, frustration, confusion, was used to bring me closer to God (Philippians 2:13 ESV). I am confident that I will continue to have hard times, frustrations, confusions as well as happy times and exciting insights that will stir my heart to God - I have a lot of learning to do and God won't give up until it's done. I'm looking forward to what my God has to teach me during this next year and I'm really looking forward to journaling about it!

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." 2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV

"for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:13 ESV

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

Imperfection At It's Best

Sometimes I get into the habit of thinking that I've got it all together - I think, "I got this." Lately, however, I've been coming face to face with my absolute humanity. There is a reason there is a Proverb that says, "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." I'm usually a pretty crafty person and enjoy doing lots of creative things but recently it seems as though everything I put together falls apart pretty quickly or just doesn't come together the way I thought/hoped it would.  When this happens a lot, I tend to start feeling like a failure and not even want to try anything. Of course, this Christmas I have a few crafty projects on my to-do list and have been a little apprehensive about starting them for fear of failure. And it's not just the crafting stuff that I've been feeling like a failure about, there are other areas in my life that have had the light of God's correction on them and I've just been so, hmmmm...embarrassed, frustrated, annoyed with myself, etcetera, etcetera...about them. So this morning I took some time and prayed about it all. As I was praying a list began forming in my mind...

I am not perfect, the list:

• I focus on myself when I should focus on others
• I spend when I should save
• I save when I should give
• I yell when I should keep my mouth shut
• I keep my mouth shut when I should speak up
• I am not offended when there is an offense against God's Kingdom
• I am quick to be offended when my pride is injured
• I have my feet up relaxing when my hand should be to the plow
• My hand is to the plow when I should be resting
• I am not happy with what God has generously given and all too often only notice the blessing when it's gone
• I give up when I should press on
• I press the issue when I should relent

On and on the list can go. As my "imperfection list"began getting longer and longer and as I quickly spouted one thing off after another, a section from Paul's letter to the Romans came to my mind, 

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." (ESV)

You would think that my list of imperfections would keep me down in the dumps and my head down in frustration and guilt. But just as I began feeling like there is no hope and I'll never have what it takes, I remembered, "DUH, that's exactly how I'm supposed to feel in light of Jesus' perfection."

The light began to peak through the darkness that I was feeling in my heart and I began to realize that God has been showing me just how much I need Him. The list of my imperfections is so long and all too true. But does that mean that I am doomed to failure for my entire life? Nope. Because once this life on earth is done my new life will begin and never end. The life of righteousness that is promised to all those who trust in Christ and him alone for salvation.

Updates on Prayers

I'm the type of person that likes updates when I'm praying for people. So, I thought it would be good for me to take some time to give you some updates on things that I've been praying about lately, just in case you have been praying as well. 

First, on the adoption front, there have been one or two more situations with our agency for which we were not chosen. It is strange to say, but I had total peace about those decisions. There was one that we felt like was a big stretch for us but went for it anyway. God knows us better than we know ourselves and so it was a weird kind of relief when we weren't selected. There haven't been any new situations with the agency for a few weeks now. I'm not really concerned because I remember last year being the same way, so I feel more prepared for this year.

Secondly, on the job/finances front, I have found a part-time jobish type thing. I have a hard time calling it a job because it doesn't actually pay money. You might think I'm crazy given our financial state-of-affairs, but Jeremy has been able to pick up more coverage hours since the beginning of the school year, which has meant more inflow of money. The Lord is really providing for our needs now (and even some wants too!). I will most likely have to revisit the job-that-pays-money situation in the spring though because Jeremy's ability to work at schools will greatly decrease. But that's okay and I'm sure God will provide what we need when we need it.

So what is this job-type situation? Well, I've been working a couple/few days a week for a guy that teaches cooking classes! I stay in the background (setting up ingredients, washing dishes, etc.) while he is teaching the class. I LOVE it! In return for my hard work I get to take any class I want to for free AND if I work a bunch of times without taking classes I can have my own "party" and do a class with a bunch of my friends! This is such a good fit for me because I love to cook and I love to learn about cooking (I used to watch the Food Network for HOURS). It has been a huge blessing and a relief to the loneliness and purposelessness that I've been feeling.

Well, speaking of purpose, I have to end this entry now. I have a disgusting carpet that unfortunately won't steam clean itself. Thanks for reading and keeping me in your prayers! 

Job Search

I wonder, does everyone else in the world go through the same struggle of trying to keep up with a journal or is it just me? I've never really been good at it; I go through phases at best.  I probably should have 'fessed up to that in the beginning, oh well. Here's what is going on in my spiritual journey these days. I've almost completely decided that I'm going to be searching for a part-time job in the very imminent future (convincing?). It's been in the back of my mind for a long time now and I've been sort of praying about a what to do, where to apply, etc. In the past few weeks it's been in the very front of my mind and I pray about it every time I think of it.  I have never felt so directionless in my life, ok, probably I have - but I'm starting to get annoyed with myself.

There are so many things that I want to get out of this "job" this time around. I don't want a career, I want a job. Thankfully, the income needs only be supplemental, so I want to do something I like to do, and not feel bad about not being paid a lot. This job though, will get me out of the house for a few hours a week so that I can see people and be social again.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that I work from home and have most of my day to myself (I'm selfish like that), but I've been feeling more and more lonely as time goes on and that is not good. I'm looking forward to opening myself up to another "life sphere" as my pastor calls it - an area of influence, people you are in contact with on a regular basis.

The problem is that I'm having a hard time figuring out where I fit in. The last time I worked in a bookstore, I loved it. I enjoyed talking with people about books, music, etc. Sure there were really annoying things that happened and the pay stunk, but when I think back over every job I had, that's what I enjoyed the most. I've been asking God if that's where I fit, if that's where he wants me to be planted and I keep feeling like it's an "almost". I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my laziness or fear of change is weighing too heavily on the decision, or is it truly not the right fit?

Another bit of advice I've been given is to use my creative talents and do something in the graphic design avenue. While this idea is very attractive to me, it is also beyond overwhelming for me to think about. I have no schooling in this area and only minimal experience. I also have a hard time knowing for sure if I'm really good at it or just a hacker. It also doesn't get me out of the house and around people. But am I just being a scaredy cat and not taking a plunge that will lead to a fulfilling employment?

So at the end of this entry I still am filled with questions. After months of passively thinking/praying and weeks of actively thinking/praying about it, I'm still in the same deadlock. Not sure which step to take. I know a decision has to be made and soon. I'll let you know what pans out...in the mean time, any suggestions?

God’s wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes.You don’t find it lying around on the surface. It’s not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. 

1 Corinthians 2:7 

Being Thrown For A Loop.

About once a month (ahem) I struggle with keeping my emotions in check. I'm fairly certain that this is a very common struggle among women. This month seemed like even more of a struggle for me since there were a couple more compounding circumstances than usual.  On Monday, our less than three year old refrigerator died and needs a costly repair. After a long day of not knowing if we could afford the repair, God totally provided and the repair will happen.  However, the earliest appointment we could get was a week and a half from then, this coming Wednesday.   The next day, I spotted a leak in our ceiling right under where our laundry closet is on the third floor. Lovely. It is not a leak from our washer, it's actually from our dryer vent. So now THAT needs to be fixed too.  Yay - owning a home is fun! Any other day these things would definitely seem minor and I know that I would be able to roll with the seemingly never ending punches. This week, not so much. So, I've been grumpy, downcast, annoyed at little things, and generally feeling defeated. 

This morning is when everything started to catch up to me: circumstances, hormones, etc. etc. and I started to feel like I was coming apart at the seams.  Then I realized that I had let my quiet times with God lapse. I had still been praying, but not as often and not as in depth as I had been before. So, as hard as it was, I opened my Bible and prayed for comfort. Two verses came to mind and so I concentrated on reading those and praying through them.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV

I certainly was feeling heavy laden and was in desperate need of rest from the frustrations of this world.  So, I went to Him, I continued to read and pray through verses that had given me comfort before, such as Romans 8:24-28. I was starting to feel better, more controlled. I was just about to finish up with my quiet time and another verse floated through my head with a melody that I had learned a long time ago. The funny thing is I could only remember the first part of the verse and it got me thinking...

Let not your hearts be troubled. 

Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV

Over and over again in my head, I was hearing "Let not your hearts be troubled, let not your hearts be troubled..." And then it dawned on me. This is an ACTIVE command, "LET NOT your hearts be troubled. BELIEVE in God, BELIEVE also in me." I have a responsibility to not let my heart become troubled with everything that is going on! I have always considered this a passive, encouragement from Jesus. But I now think that it is a command to turn off the voices of worry and woes and choose to believe in God, choose to believe in Jesus. Instead of letting my emotions run crazy and my hopes and dreams plummet to the floor to be trampled, I need to pick myself up and not "let these things throw [me]." as the Message version puts it. So, I wiped my tears from my eyes and determined to move on, believe in God and trust His plan for my life.

Day-by-Day Obligations

Yesterday was a busy day. Actually, it's been a busy couple days. Nothing of earth-shattering importance happened but my attention was completely focused on those small things. All day yesterday I was thinking, in the back of my mind, that I needed to post an entry into my journal. I even sat down to do my devotions, but not even halfway through the chapter my attention was grabbed away from the reading. I had my plans of what needed to be done and I was sticking to it. I felt like I redeemed it a little by praying along each step of the way that God would bless my efforts and help me...save lots of money. OK Fine! I admit it, I was busy grocery shopping yesterday. Not just any grocery shopping though, coupon shopping. It's tiring and a little overwhelming at this point. So, you see it was really not earth-shattering. 

At the end of the day I had finally decided what I was going to journal about. It was an awesome lesson that I've been thinking about since Monday. However, that will have to wait until another day.  This morning the Lord finally grabbed my attention and I have to confess again that I was convicted about how I spent my day yesterday. This is what I read this morning:

But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of time and doze off, oblivious to God...God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute.  Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about. Romans 13:11-14

That paragraph pretty much described my entire day yesterday. I was absorbed with finding the best deals, using the best coupons to save the most money I possibly could. I don't think I even looked at someone full in the face until one of my coupons was rejected and then I had to try and plead my case (to no avail arg!). My eyes were not open at all to what was going on around me, I was not engaged in God's work AT ALL.  Sure, I prayed, but it was self-centered and very immature.

In the middle of my shopping day, I received the "sermon digest" email from our pastor.  I really enjoy getting these emails because it is a great reminder mid-week of what I was challenged with on Sunday.  Before entering one of the stores I took some time to read it. However, I didn't retain it at that point. The Lord brought it to mind this morning though, especially after reading the last part of those verses above, "Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about." My mind went back to a quote we heard on Sunday. Brace yourself, it's challenging. 

Real faith is “a living, busy, active, mighty thing.  It is impossible for it not to be doing good works incessantly. Whoever does not do such works is an unbeliever.  Thus, it is impossible to separate works from faith, quite as impossible as to separate heat and light from fire.” (Martin Luther, preface to Paul's letter to the Romans in his 1522 edition of the German Bible)

Ugh. [Now rest assured, the sermon didn't end there. If you want to listen to the whole thing you can go here.  But this is my journal, so I'm just going to focus on the part that convicted me :o)] My prayer for today is that this challenge will continue to resonate in my heart. My focus will be on God and what he is doing in my life and the lives around me. I still have a lot of little things to do today but I will purpose to not be absorbed in them, to look at those I come in contact with, to search for opportunities to do good works, so that they may point toward my father in heaven (Matthew 5:16).

Weighing Struggles

"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but i don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Romans 7: 18-20 (MSG)

As I was reading this chapter in Romans this morning, I was totally convicted about my struggle with dieting and exercising.  I have read this verse so many times before but there have always been other sins and struggles that have come to the forefront of my mind.  This morning, I believe the Lord was talking directly to my heart. Why? Because, just last night I was telling Jeremy that part of the reason I don't give everything I have to get active and loose weight is because I know how sore I'm going to be the next few days (cough-weeks).

The interesting thing is that I've been having conversations with God about my focus over the past 11+ months.  I have been so focused on praying that he would work out our adoption, bring us our child and let us get out of this place of waiting.  I've grown uncomfortable with asking for prayer for this so often and not seeing anything else in my life that needs attention.  So, I've been praying that he would help me see other areas in my life that need him.  Areas that I've ignored because of this pressing "problem" (see previous post) of being childless.  

This morning, he saw fit to give me an area to work on.  So many times in my life I have determined to loose weight, thinking, "If I just stick to program ______  or work-out ___ many times a week then I will loose all the weight I want to loose." Then, a week...two days...one day into the program/work-out schedule I give up. Recently, I don't think it would even be right to label this a struggle, since I've pretty much accepted where I am and given up hope that it will change.  That is, until I read Paul's struggle in Romans again.

At first glance, those verses seem utterly discouraging. I'm doomed to do what I don't want to do and not do what I want to do. It seems as though there is no escape. However, the answer comes later on in in verses 24-25, "I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

My problem has been that I've tried to loose this weight on my own, for my own reasons, focusing on myself and how I can make myself feel better about myself.  This morning I was encouraged to wage war on this part of myself. How am I going to do it? I have no idea right now. But I know that God is able to do this and I need to let him lead. He has conquered this sin and it is only by his strength that I will be able to have any success.
 
I'm thankful for a new struggle to lift up to God. I know that I will be sore, physically, mentally and spiritually. However, as God has told us, "My strength comes into its own in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Pray with me that I will not focus on my own efforts, but be obedient and trust God's plan for my life and health.

Things People Say

This is a train of thought that has been on my mind, churning about for some time now. There are things people say to couples who do not have children that, I believe with my heart, they think are encouraging.  To tell you the truth, I'm probably only speaking for myself here, but these comments are not encouraging and in all honesty feel more like salt in a wound.
 
Thankfully, I can't think of any specific examples (I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm calling them out specifically), but the gist of every such comment is...

You're so lucky, you should be thankful for all the time that you have now with your husband all alone. If you had kids your life would be more complicated and you wouldn't be able to do the things you can do now. You should be glad that you don't have kids.

Hearing these comments often arises a sarcastic response in my head, but I nod, smile and feebly agree. The truth is that I really do want to have children - it just hasn't happened for us yet. So these comments, although meant to make us feel better about not having children, often make us very cognizant of the absence of our child. 

Often my internal sarcasm points to the fault in the speaker, rather than to the sinful discontent in the hearer {me}.  In recent months, I have been convicted and challenged to consider the fact that God has, in fact, given me the grace I need to be joyful and grateful in this time of being childless. A verse that has just made an impact in my life again is Philippians 4:11b-13, quoting from the Message (since that is my devotional Bible):

"I've learned now how to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little.  I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

This verse has always been special to me, but recently I heard a Sunday School message that accentuated what I had already liked about the verse.  It was pointed out that often we just think of the positive side of what Paul is saying. However, half of what Paul talks about is considered suffering - having little, being hungry, empty hands. God gives us the grace we need in whatever circumstances he has placed us in.  Therefore, God has given me the grace I need to not know my child right now. For me, that was a light bulb being switched on in my head.  I'm still exploring this space that I didn't know about before.

When the time comes,  I know that he will give me the grace I need to get up multiple times during the night, multiple nights in a row and still make quality decisions even though I proably won't be able to string two words together in a sentance after a while.  I love how the Message states verse 13: Whatever I have [or don't have], wherever I am [or am not], I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. It is beautiful for me to think of it this way, and I have such an intense desire to abide with the One who made me who I am.

Blogging is a funny thing, I planned to have one train of thought but in the midst of thinking through it I was reminded of this recent conviction and I have arrived at a different ending.  Things people say may often remind me painfully of what I do not have. However, now I know that I do need to be thankful - whatever my circumstances because God has placed me here and given me everything I need to do his work while I'm here.