Untitled Reflections

The year started with so much joy and happy expectation. In January we became parents! In that sense 2011 was such a beautiful year! A year of getting to know our son and experience life with him. I enjoyed the immense blessing of being able to work part-time from home. Being home with our son, watching him continue grow and develop is a gift that I will always cherish - even during teething days.  In the beginning, I would often get the question, "So, how do you like being a mom?" I always stumbled with an answer - how do you put words to such a profound gift and blessing? It is hard to explain that when I became a mom I finally felt like "myself." During years of longing, waiting, praying, I had started to wonder if God had a different plan for my life. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a mom like I'd always thought.  At the end of 2010 and in the beginning of 2011, God gave us the most beautiful gift of our son, through the sacrifice of his biological mom, and he confirmed the desires of my heart. As we are at the end of 2011 and my little baby boy is nearing his first birthday, I stand in awe of just how sovereign my God is and how richly he chose to bless us this year.

2011 was also a tragic year. In another sense, it is ending so much differently than I imagined. So much daily happiness found in parenting our son and yet so much sadness and pain in losing babies I loved before I knew them. I believe life begins at conception; this year our family has lost 5 little lives I was not able to meet outside their mothers' wombs. My nephew, William, and his twin among those lost. In the midst of this grieving there have been broken and intensely wounded hearts, sickness and physical pain attack those I hold dear in my hearts.

I remember at the end of 2010 I thought that I had enough of the sadness and disappointment contained in that year, I was looking forward to the fresh start of 2011. The anticipated joy of meeting our child and experiencing our life as a family of three instead of two - it was enough excitement to fool me into forgetting that this world is full of trouble. I was reminded of this truth not long into the year and since then I have been struggling to answer the question of how I can feel so happy and so incredibly sad at the exact same time.

Many times throughout the days/weeks/months I find myself thinking, "Life shouldn't be like this. There shouldn't be this much sorrow and death." I'm not blaming God, it just feels like an inward tug on my heart. As I prayed through these thoughts one day, the phrase I've emphasized in Ecclesiastes 3:11 came to mind:

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. (ESV)

I was so struck with the notion of having eternity in my heart. My heart knows that sin has ruined a perfect creation and it knows that there is somewhere far better and more perfect than I could ever imagine. My heart groans, knowing that indeed life shouldn't be like this, but in fact with sin, life is full of sorrow, sickness and pain. In the midst of these troubles there is hope. Some days it feels as though it is buried very far down and others it is overflowing the surface.

This hope, as my Pastor Stan Gale says, is not a "hope so" type of hope. It is firmly rooted in Jesus Christ and a saving relationship with him. It is through this relationship that I am able to face the heartache I am bound to face every year until Jesus returns. It is because of my knowledge that nothing good comes from my own work, I am able to rejoice knowing that "every good and every perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17 ESV).

It is tempting to approach 2012 with an attitude that surely, it must be better than 2011. I think it is natural for me to look ahead at this new year and hope that the ups will out number the downs. However, I've become so aware that each and every year holds beautiful blessings along side deep sorrow. A new year may be a new start, one that I am looking forward to, but this year I can't help but feeling like there will be more of the same. There will be trials and troubles, and there will be joy and blessings, all of which will be gifts from above.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4 MSG)

It is important for me to remember that the year 2012 does not hold the answer to the frustration I feel in 2011. Hoping in the new start will leave me disappointed in the end. Having my hope firmly rooted in Jesus Christ gives me Joy that nothing can take away and the strength to look forward to all that God has planned for my life, year after year.

Yes, It's True...

I am a mom. 

I had hoped and dreamed of the day that I would get to say (type) those words. After 7 years of waiting for God to bless us with a child and 20 months of being an approved, waiting, adoptive mother - my dream has come true.  That feels like an understatement. God totally blew us out of the water with the amazing orchestration of our lives meeting up with our son's life. 

A couple Christmases ago a friend had given me this plaque. I hung it on our nursery door as a reminder that God is able to do so much more than we could ever think to dream. This Christmas, God gave us the gift of knowing that we would certainly be parents. We had the joy of meeting with our son's birthmother the week of Christmas.  She was so great to talk to and we felt so comfortable with her. We shared funny stories and just got to know each other a little bit - such a wonderful memory for us and one that we will be happy to share with our little guy as he grows up.

It was late at night on a Thursday when we got the call - our son was on his way - his birthmother was in labor.  Even with all of our careful planning and lists, it took us a half hour to get out the door and drive an hour to the hospital.

Catching a few long blinks while waiting.

After a long night of waiting and worrying and hoping and praying, our son Micah Benjamin was born at 6:32 the next morning! We were ecstatic! By 6:45 a.m. we were taken back to the nursery to see our son for the first time. Up until then, I had envisioned myself weeping at the sight but as we walked up to his bassinet, there was nothing but extreme joy and excitement in my heart - all I could do was SMILE. He was just the most precious thing in the world! The nurses were still doing their work, so we just talked to him and got to hold his hands as he showed off his exceptional lung capacity.

That day felt like an amazing dream and it only got better as time went on.  Since I wasn't recovering from delivery, I had the joy of giving Micah his first bath, Jeremy helped the nurse capture Micah's footprints and we both got to comfort him after the unpleasant experience of getting his heel pricked a few times. The hospital stay was another gift from God. We actually got to stay in our own room in the hospital AND Micah roomed-in with us! Such a gift that we could only wish and dream about before.  Those two days felt nice and long - we got to get to know our little baby boy while surrounded with such an awesome nursing staff, such a luxury.

Then it was time to leave. We were so excited and yet of course scared to leave the security of the hospital. The drive home felt so surreal, it was an hour drive that seemed to hurry past and then, we were home: Daddy, Mommy and Micah, the family that God created long before any of us were born.

The past six weeks have been such an amazing gift from God. We are parents, complete with the sheer joy of seeing your baby smile (even if it isn't at us yet) or happily kick his legs off in the bath or when the doctor says, "he's a very healthy baby," the sheer exhaustion of multiple wake-ups in the middle of the night,  the frustration when he wakes up as we put him down, the deep satisfaction when he calms down as we pick him up.

We have been standing here watching God take care of every detail that we were worried about as well as new details that came up along the way. We have seen him give us way more than we ever thought possible. We know that as Micah grows up and we grow as parents our God will continue to orchestrate our lives to bring about all the glory due His awesome name.

We praise God for His awesome love for us! For being faithful in all His promises!

He gives childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children. 

Hallelujah!

Psalm 113:9

Updates on Prayers

I'm the type of person that likes updates when I'm praying for people. So, I thought it would be good for me to take some time to give you some updates on things that I've been praying about lately, just in case you have been praying as well. 

First, on the adoption front, there have been one or two more situations with our agency for which we were not chosen. It is strange to say, but I had total peace about those decisions. There was one that we felt like was a big stretch for us but went for it anyway. God knows us better than we know ourselves and so it was a weird kind of relief when we weren't selected. There haven't been any new situations with the agency for a few weeks now. I'm not really concerned because I remember last year being the same way, so I feel more prepared for this year.

Secondly, on the job/finances front, I have found a part-time jobish type thing. I have a hard time calling it a job because it doesn't actually pay money. You might think I'm crazy given our financial state-of-affairs, but Jeremy has been able to pick up more coverage hours since the beginning of the school year, which has meant more inflow of money. The Lord is really providing for our needs now (and even some wants too!). I will most likely have to revisit the job-that-pays-money situation in the spring though because Jeremy's ability to work at schools will greatly decrease. But that's okay and I'm sure God will provide what we need when we need it.

So what is this job-type situation? Well, I've been working a couple/few days a week for a guy that teaches cooking classes! I stay in the background (setting up ingredients, washing dishes, etc.) while he is teaching the class. I LOVE it! In return for my hard work I get to take any class I want to for free AND if I work a bunch of times without taking classes I can have my own "party" and do a class with a bunch of my friends! This is such a good fit for me because I love to cook and I love to learn about cooking (I used to watch the Food Network for HOURS). It has been a huge blessing and a relief to the loneliness and purposelessness that I've been feeling.

Well, speaking of purpose, I have to end this entry now. I have a disgusting carpet that unfortunately won't steam clean itself. Thanks for reading and keeping me in your prayers! 

A Life on Hold, Defined.

Two years ago this week Jeremy & I attended an Educational Training for Domestic Adoption with our adoption agency.  We had literally just begun the paperwork "phase" of our adoption and attending this required, half-day class really started to make the whole thing real. Very little that we actually talked about has stuck with me (except for the part about me using poor "adoption language" because I was so focused on NOT using poor "adoption language" and I got to be an example for the whole class. And then there was the part where I was made to feel like an idiot because I have such a strong relationship with my family...but I digress). Thankfully, at this class we were given a big binder with tons of articles and information regarding adoption, child development, resources for what to do when there may be an adoption related issue with our child. On our ride home I began flipping through the binder and happened upon an interesting article titled "Lessons Learned While Waiting" by Dawn Powell, an adoptive mother.

The first lesson was "Don't put your life on hold while waiting. Make plans, commit to engagements, vacations, etc. Plan and do whatever you would do normally. Psalm 90:12" At the time I remember thinking, "That should be easy since we probably won't be waiting that long anyway." Cut to two years later and a year and a half in waiting status with our agency. Over the course of the year and half of waiting there were times that it was really hard to not be "on hold" and there have been times where life has almost been normal.

This week, when I picked up this binder to page through it again (I had no idea, but it was the exact two year mark, weird, right?), I turned to this page once more and I immediately felt sick. I've been flooded with memories of choices I've made, feelings I've had that all equal a life on hold. If someone had told me then, what I know now, I wonder how things would be different. Well, in the interest of hopefully helping someone else not make the same mistakes, here are some examples of a life on hold:

• Daily Life: When I first left my full-time job in order to work with Jeremy's company, I was ecstatic. I was so thankful that God had given me the opportunity, that he had blessed their hard work so that it was even feasible (still praising him now for that). But I went even further and saw it as a sign that God was freeing me up to be a stay-at-home mom just like I'd always dreamed. I spent most of my days getting the house ready for a baby, making sure everything was clean and organized. Everything I did was because we had/have an adoption in the works and everyone says how sudden it is when you get "the call". For a while, I always wanted be at home when the agency called. When I went to the store, I would envision myself having to have what could be a very emotional conversation in the middle of Wegmans (for example).
• Vacations: Yes, we went on vacations during these past two years. They were even fun. But to be honest I don't think I was completely present. On more than one occasion we had just gotten information about an adoptive situation and requested our profile to be shown to the birth parents. During our vacation we were waiting to hear what the outcome would be. I spent an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming about how fun it would be to get "the news" while we were with friends and family. Then, as time wore on, I would know in my gut that we weren't chosen and my thoughts would switch to "how am I going to keep it together and pretend everything is ok" when we would get the confirmation. 
• Missions: During our two years in this adoption journey there have been two opportunities to serve on short term missions trips. Both opportunities were declined because I was fearful of what would happen if we finally were chosen and we were no where near home and couldn't be reached by the agency. I'm so ashamed that I let my fears and my selfishness get in the way of what could have been a wonderful time of serving God.

I think the living of my life has been on hold. I may go through the motions and make plans, attend events, etc. In the article, Dawn Powell urged waiting parents to do what they would normally do. But I would go further, I would encourage waiting parents to strive to be present while you are doing what you normally do. Fight the desire to make everything about the waiting. Try to experience life to the fullest, take advantage of every opportunity that God gives you during this time.  Sure, waiting is a huge part of your life...unescapable for a time...and no one can really understand it unless you've been through it (or are still going through it). I wish I would have known what exactly I had to guard against in the beginning - the desire to live in the waiting, instead of living while I'm waiting. Thankfully, God has decided to make it clear to me now. I wish I could flip a switch and just stop the struggle, but in fact, it will take a battle to actually start living life again.

Oh! Teach us to live well! 

Teach us to live wisely and well!

Psalm 90:12 MSG

Why didn't I think of this before?

I really wanted to title this entry "All Paths Lead to God - With a Twist." But I was scared to actually put it in big letters at the top. I don't really believe that all paths lead to God. Actually, I firmly believe that there is only one way to God and that is through Jesus Christ.  

For the past week or so I've been thinking about a conversation I had with a friend (after reading this she'll know who she is, and will probably be sick of me saying the same thing again, but it really affected me...in a good way). My friend and I have had completely different circumstances and life stories. I'm not going to share any of her life story details, but I will share some about mine.  As I've mentioned along the way here, I am a waiting adoptive mother. What that means is my husband and I have been approved as an adoptive family and we are waiting to be selected by a birth-family to parent their child.  Last week we passed our one year anniversary of being approved. In the beginning we told a lot of people about each new "situation" that came up for us to be considered. Each time we then had to tell a lot of people that we were not chosen.  I think we did this about 4 or 5 times before we came to realize that it was just too painful to continue telling everyone every time. So, we've been keeping each new situation quiet and will tell everyone when we are selected.

So, here's the thing, this journey has been hard. We've sort of made it seem like we're just waiting around and that there's "no news," as we like to say. But that's not the case.  There have been multiple children that have found their forever home and it was not ours.  Being "not chosen" feels like being rejected - even though in reality that's not what is happening. When this occurred time after time after time I started to question God's goodness, I questioned whether he really knows what he's doing, I questioned whether he had my best at heart.  I would read the Psalms and when it talked about "enemies taunting" I understood it to be the thoughts in my head saying, "Where is this God of yours?" I would wonder what purpose God had for this experience in my life. 

It is at this point that our two stories converge. You see my friend was asking the same questions and she had not experienced the same journey that I had, not at all.  And yet, here we were with an almost word-for-word identical struggle.  My heart ached for her when she was talking because I knew the pain that comes with those questions. And all of a sudden I realized a shocking (to me) truth: what I've learned on my completely different journey would be helpful to her. NOT because I'm so clever, but because what I learned, what I have clung to and leaned on and depend on is God's truth in his Word, the Bible. God has spoken to my heart through various passages that I was able to share with my friend.  

In kind of a mash of thoughts it became clear to me that this is how we are supposed to minister to each other. I'm not supposed to just sit and wait until someone with my exact life experience happens to appear in my life and ask me for help. Rather, I'm called to speak and minister to those in my life because God's truth applies to every situation, every journey, every struggle and God can use any path to bring us to himself. 

Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching. 

Hebrews 10:24-25

The Balancing Act of Waiting

This Monday I was chatting with a dear friend who had been to a women's conference over the weekend. She told me about a great challenge she heard regarding waiting. I've been mulling it over and praying through it ever since then and I think it is definitely worth repeating.  

The speaker said that there is a difference between waiting with expectancy and waiting expectantly.  When you are waiting expectantly, you are full of expectations that you want God to fulfill. In other words, you will be trying to tell God what to do the whole time you are waiting. When you are waiting with expectancy you are in full trust of God's plan, and are waiting to see how his plan will unfold.

In Phillipians 4 vs. 6 and 7 we're told to present our requests to God with the promise that "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard [our] hearts and [our] minds in Christ Jesus" (ESV). So, here's the balancing part of it.  How do I make sure that I am being honest with God, presenting my requests to him, but not making demands of him? It is a line that I am finding very hard to walk. I have a tendency to pester my requests to God. 

I am sure that I have been waiting expectantly for quite some time. It's tiring. Praise God that he shows me over and over again that I do not know best. It seems like this is a message that I've been hearing many times, each in a different way.  This challenge has been a helpful reminder that I need to constantly check my prayers to make sure I'm presenting my requests to God and not giving him a list of expectations.

When Everything Seems Impossible

Things happen in life that we really can't control. Many people assume that these things are signs that "x" is or is not supposed to happen. Sometimes it seems like just when you've climbed to the top of the mountain and are about to claim "King of the Mountain," a rock shifts and you go crashing down again. Timing can be an issue that is just unconquerable by human efforts. How often I have thought, "Ok, I've got my life all together, now would be a perfect time for _______." These days, that blank is usually filled with [a baby]. However, it has been filled with various other nouns in the past - a boyfriend, a husband, a car, an apartment, a house and on and on the list goes.
 
The funny thing is that God doesn't usually listen to me when I tell him I'm ready.  He seems to have timing down to a science - He's got it wrapped around his little finger, if you will. I've tried and tried to figure it out but have only come to one conclusion. I will never understand. That doesn't mean that I'm sitting back just waiting for life to happen in front of me. It also doesn't mean that I am supposed try to make things happen on my own.  There is a fine line between taking steps in life that I believe God is asking me to take and being still, waiting for God to move. Sometimes I don't get the steps right or I wait too long or not long enough, but that doesn't mean that I've ruined everything. God is Sovereign and his will prevails.
 
Right now my life feels like it is anything but "all together." Does that stop me from praying about our adoption and hoping in God's amazing power? Nope, not at all. In fact, I'm encouraged even more to "Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly (1 Corinthians 13:13)."  I believe that God knows what is best for me and that he will move mountains that stand in my way or enable me to climb them with His strength.

"He knows us far better than we know ourselves...and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning." 

Romans 8:27-29

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, 

his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." 

 Philippians 4:19

Things People Say

This is a train of thought that has been on my mind, churning about for some time now. There are things people say to couples who do not have children that, I believe with my heart, they think are encouraging.  To tell you the truth, I'm probably only speaking for myself here, but these comments are not encouraging and in all honesty feel more like salt in a wound.
 
Thankfully, I can't think of any specific examples (I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm calling them out specifically), but the gist of every such comment is...

You're so lucky, you should be thankful for all the time that you have now with your husband all alone. If you had kids your life would be more complicated and you wouldn't be able to do the things you can do now. You should be glad that you don't have kids.

Hearing these comments often arises a sarcastic response in my head, but I nod, smile and feebly agree. The truth is that I really do want to have children - it just hasn't happened for us yet. So these comments, although meant to make us feel better about not having children, often make us very cognizant of the absence of our child. 

Often my internal sarcasm points to the fault in the speaker, rather than to the sinful discontent in the hearer {me}.  In recent months, I have been convicted and challenged to consider the fact that God has, in fact, given me the grace I need to be joyful and grateful in this time of being childless. A verse that has just made an impact in my life again is Philippians 4:11b-13, quoting from the Message (since that is my devotional Bible):

"I've learned now how to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little.  I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

This verse has always been special to me, but recently I heard a Sunday School message that accentuated what I had already liked about the verse.  It was pointed out that often we just think of the positive side of what Paul is saying. However, half of what Paul talks about is considered suffering - having little, being hungry, empty hands. God gives us the grace we need in whatever circumstances he has placed us in.  Therefore, God has given me the grace I need to not know my child right now. For me, that was a light bulb being switched on in my head.  I'm still exploring this space that I didn't know about before.

When the time comes,  I know that he will give me the grace I need to get up multiple times during the night, multiple nights in a row and still make quality decisions even though I proably won't be able to string two words together in a sentance after a while.  I love how the Message states verse 13: Whatever I have [or don't have], wherever I am [or am not], I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. It is beautiful for me to think of it this way, and I have such an intense desire to abide with the One who made me who I am.

Blogging is a funny thing, I planned to have one train of thought but in the midst of thinking through it I was reminded of this recent conviction and I have arrived at a different ending.  Things people say may often remind me painfully of what I do not have. However, now I know that I do need to be thankful - whatever my circumstances because God has placed me here and given me everything I need to do his work while I'm here.

Dear Diary,

UPDATE: I have decided to make this blog {gulp} PUBLIC. So, while some of what is below is now obsolete, a good bit of it serves as an introduction.

I'm sure that I'll feel more comfortable about this whole blogging thing after a while. However, right now it feels sort of like I'm exposing my self to the world. Although, I am pretty sure I checked all the right boxes so that only certain people (Jeremy) are able to read this for now.  I've been wanting to create a diary for a while now, but I loose interest in paper diaries and putting a password protected file on your computer just makes everyone suspicious.

Here are things that are on my plate as I sit and type:
 - I am a stay-at-home wife with a part-time job as a marketing/graphic design "guru" for Comprehensive Injury Prevention Solutions, Inc.  the business that my husband is a part-owner (vice president). The first couple of years we said that with a snicker because there were only 3 people in the company. However, as of today they are 3-full-timers-and-6-part-timers strong.  Praise God!

 - I have been an approved, waiting adoptive mother for just shy of a year (11 months at the end of this month). I'm pretty sure that most of my posts will be about this phase of my life.

 - A couple women from church and a couple friends from outside of church and I are just starting a Bible study called Metamorpha by Kyle Strobel. The study guide for this book encourages its readers to blog about their experience throughout the book. I'm not sure I want to do this publicly yet, but I may open this blog up later on.

 - Jer & I have agreed to be leaders in training for a marriage course called Love & Respect.  We have never taken this marriage course before, and have only watched the first two sessions on our own.  I'd say we have a great marriage, but I've recently been challenged with the thought that every marriage needs work all the time. It's true, I definitely see ill-effects from the two of us "taking it easy" when it comes to our marriage relationship.  We don't communicate as much or as deeply as we used to. In recent months, we have been working on this and the marriage course has already had some positive effects on our interactions. More on that later too I'm sure.

Well, that's not everything that's going on but is most of what captures my attention these days.  I hope that the process of typing out my thoughts will be therapeutic and will help me sift through some of what is going on in my head.

Thanks to Jeremy for encouraging me to start a blog and for being the only one besides myself that is able to read it. I love you!