The life in the blank pages

It happens to the most beautiful journal. Even the one that is so comfortable to write in. I find so much comfort in getting my thoughts out one day and then it happens. The blank page that lingers for months on end, sometimes extending into years. When I open the many journals around my house I can usually flip right to that empty page. I often stare at it and try to remember what all happened between that last written page and this new page I'm about to start.

I was looking through this journal and was sort of shocked to see how little I have actually written this year. I'm not sure why that makes me so sad. I guess because I has once found so much comfort in pouring out my thoughts here..

There has been so much life happening in the empty pages of this journal. So many good things and more upsetting things too (which is to be expected).  As I start this new page in the journal, I find myself hesitant to get into the specifics of what I am praying through. Perhaps it's because I feel like I need to get reacquainted with this part of my life.  I'm not used to just blurting things out anymore. But in an effort to get myself used to it more quickly, here are some examples of what has been going on this year.

• I began this year with a goal of loosing 60lbs of my body weight. I have prayed and struggled through many temptations. I have begun exercising more regularly and have become more conscious of what I am eating nutritionally. As of today I am less than 5lbs from my goal (4.1 to be exact). I know in my heart that the only reason for my success is that God is good and he has given me the strength and wisdom that is needed because I have prayed for them nearly every day.
• My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer earlier this year. We are so happy to see God working through his treatments and are praising Him for every victory and positive report along this journey. We are confident that God is close to our family, especially my dad, throughout this experience. He is the Healer and we are praying for him to heal Dad. It will be so wonderful to celebrate his birthday with him this weekend!
• I am excitedly expecting a new niece to join our family in January! We are rejoicing with my brother and sister-in-law to see that God has turned their mourning into dancing, just as the Psalmist said. We also were excited to welcome our friends' babies into the world. Every baby is such a blessing and gift, they bring so much joy!

There has been so much more happening that I really can't take the time to write about. I guess I'll just have to get back into the habit of journaling again.

My First Ever Lent Entry

This entry may seem late but it's not.  I've been praying about how to journal about my decision to participate in Lent.  I wanted to be sure I waited until I was journaling about what God was teaching me through fasting rather than just the fact that I decided to fast. Truthfully, this is only the second year I've ever done a fast for Lent and so far, I've made it farther than I did last year. In even more truth: I can't remember what I fasted from last year. So, with this as my background, I wanted to fully participate, in spirit and action, and make this Lent season one that I would remember by not only fasting from something but adding consistent prayer in its place.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and prayed very seriously about what God wanted to use to speak to my heart during this season. I wanted my focus to be drawn to Him, not to my self, not to what I was missing. It took me until the night before Lent started to make the decision of what to forgo.  This may sound silly to some but what I have given up is... using my dishwasher.

The first day was terrific! I prayed my little heart out while I did the dishes and Micah slept and I really felt blessed by the whole experience.  I mean, we use a lot of dishes (apparently) and that equaled LOTS of praying time!

By day two and three I felt my mind start to wander and it became very difficult to focus and pray (there's so much to look at and think about when your sink faces the neighborhood)! The idea came to me to make a Prayer List that hangs by the sink so I could see the list and focus my prayer to those areas. I had an extra frame and some cute scrapbook paper that I threw together and made a list using dry erase marker. This made a huge difference in helping me to dedicate the time to prayer!

I was reenergized and my dishwashing/prayer time was looked forward to...for a day or so. Then LIFE once again "got in the way" and another round of teething started, napping took a turn for the worse and I began to loath not using the dishwasher. I remained faithful in action but certainly not in attitude or stature of the heart.  I was hitting an all time low, with dishes piling up higher and higher. I would get half way through and get distracted by something "more pressing". The whole time at the sink I was thinking about what a difficult task it was, how little time I had to do it, maybe I'll just forget it and go back to using the dishwasher. It's not that big of a deal, right? In my heart I knew it was more important than I was trying to make it seem. This was time that was valued by God. He loves when I pray and build my relationship with Him. 

By day ten, Sunday, I was avoiding the kitchen so that I wouldn't be reminded of what I wasn't doing (ha!).  I guess my husband could tell that I was getting tired of the task because he encouragingly reminded me that Sundays were a day of REST and that for one day a week it would be okay to use the dishwasher. Praise God! I seriously was overwhelmed and overjoyed with the realization that even in the minutest speck of a "trial" God doesn't give us more than we can handle! 

As I loaded that dishwasher on Sunday I began praying with a lightened heart, thanking God for providing a break, for understanding the weakness of his created being (me), for helping me stay faithful thus far, even if it was just in action for a few days, and for all that he has taught me in just this simple everyday task. I may not take every Sunday off from washing dishes (I don't want to use it as a loophole), but I was so glad to be reminded of God's grace to me this past week!

I started the week fresh, remembering the purpose of fasting is to draw closer to God. I have truly been surprised at what a struggle it has been to stay focused on prayer with a right attitude over these past 12 days. After my day of rest, I am now glad for the upcoming 30 days and look forward to what God will show me now that my attitude has been adjusted.

Untitled Reflections

The year started with so much joy and happy expectation. In January we became parents! In that sense 2011 was such a beautiful year! A year of getting to know our son and experience life with him. I enjoyed the immense blessing of being able to work part-time from home. Being home with our son, watching him continue grow and develop is a gift that I will always cherish - even during teething days.  In the beginning, I would often get the question, "So, how do you like being a mom?" I always stumbled with an answer - how do you put words to such a profound gift and blessing? It is hard to explain that when I became a mom I finally felt like "myself." During years of longing, waiting, praying, I had started to wonder if God had a different plan for my life. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a mom like I'd always thought.  At the end of 2010 and in the beginning of 2011, God gave us the most beautiful gift of our son, through the sacrifice of his biological mom, and he confirmed the desires of my heart. As we are at the end of 2011 and my little baby boy is nearing his first birthday, I stand in awe of just how sovereign my God is and how richly he chose to bless us this year.

2011 was also a tragic year. In another sense, it is ending so much differently than I imagined. So much daily happiness found in parenting our son and yet so much sadness and pain in losing babies I loved before I knew them. I believe life begins at conception; this year our family has lost 5 little lives I was not able to meet outside their mothers' wombs. My nephew, William, and his twin among those lost. In the midst of this grieving there have been broken and intensely wounded hearts, sickness and physical pain attack those I hold dear in my hearts.

I remember at the end of 2010 I thought that I had enough of the sadness and disappointment contained in that year, I was looking forward to the fresh start of 2011. The anticipated joy of meeting our child and experiencing our life as a family of three instead of two - it was enough excitement to fool me into forgetting that this world is full of trouble. I was reminded of this truth not long into the year and since then I have been struggling to answer the question of how I can feel so happy and so incredibly sad at the exact same time.

Many times throughout the days/weeks/months I find myself thinking, "Life shouldn't be like this. There shouldn't be this much sorrow and death." I'm not blaming God, it just feels like an inward tug on my heart. As I prayed through these thoughts one day, the phrase I've emphasized in Ecclesiastes 3:11 came to mind:

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. (ESV)

I was so struck with the notion of having eternity in my heart. My heart knows that sin has ruined a perfect creation and it knows that there is somewhere far better and more perfect than I could ever imagine. My heart groans, knowing that indeed life shouldn't be like this, but in fact with sin, life is full of sorrow, sickness and pain. In the midst of these troubles there is hope. Some days it feels as though it is buried very far down and others it is overflowing the surface.

This hope, as my Pastor Stan Gale says, is not a "hope so" type of hope. It is firmly rooted in Jesus Christ and a saving relationship with him. It is through this relationship that I am able to face the heartache I am bound to face every year until Jesus returns. It is because of my knowledge that nothing good comes from my own work, I am able to rejoice knowing that "every good and every perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17 ESV).

It is tempting to approach 2012 with an attitude that surely, it must be better than 2011. I think it is natural for me to look ahead at this new year and hope that the ups will out number the downs. However, I've become so aware that each and every year holds beautiful blessings along side deep sorrow. A new year may be a new start, one that I am looking forward to, but this year I can't help but feeling like there will be more of the same. There will be trials and troubles, and there will be joy and blessings, all of which will be gifts from above.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4 MSG)

It is important for me to remember that the year 2012 does not hold the answer to the frustration I feel in 2011. Hoping in the new start will leave me disappointed in the end. Having my hope firmly rooted in Jesus Christ gives me Joy that nothing can take away and the strength to look forward to all that God has planned for my life, year after year.

Version Upgrade

I have a couple times of my day that are more conducive to just letting my mind wander and mull things over. Sometimes it's while Micah is napping, sometimes while I'm showering. Today, that time was after Micah fell back to sleep at 6:45 a.m. and I had a chance to prepare some pears for him to eat. For me, there's something so soothing about pealing and chopping food, it just frees me up to let my thoughts run free.

This morning my mind started wandering back to high school and that version of myself. Immediately, the embarrassment, self-consciousness and fears all flooded back into my mind and heart. Am I the only one that has such a hard time letting go of a particular version of myself? I doubt it, but it sure feels like it sometimes. This morning I found that I was able to sort of take a step back and consider things on a deeper level.  These days, when I think back to my high school self, the embarrassment I feel is more about the state of my heart and how easy it was to act like everything was fine. I realized that I had such a judgmental attitude. I was a painfully shy person in HS but looking back, I have come to a realization that my heart contained the sin of judging others and jumping to wrong conclusions from my vantage point on the outside of things.

One of the things I've learned over the years both through painful personal experiences and through watching others experiences - judging hurts and it is not our job. Jumping to conclusions when we are not privy to the inner workings of another's heart kills relationships! I get so sad when I think about relationships that I've ruined or not even given the chance to develop because I was so quick to judge based on a conclusion that I'd come up with all by myself. The sadness becomes more keen when I consider the times that another has judged or jumped to the wrong conclusion about my good intentions. I feel like God lets me go through those hard times so that I am more aware of my own sin and the hurt I cause others. Sadly though, it is still a sin with which I continue to struggle.

And so, when I'm taken back to my high school version, I feel embarrassed by the sin in my heart.  This morning's musings took a turn that was so helpful and healing for my heart. I was reminded that the grace and mercy, forgiveness and love God has shown me covers all versions of myself. It is this knowledge that helped me snap out of my normally painful memories and speak the truth to myself again and again. It was so wonderful to remember that I'm forgiven for my high school version, my college version, my newly married version, and the current version I'm on. I know that when I look back in 5, 10, 15 years, I'll be keenly aware of all the mistakes I've made now.

I was also encouraged to keep the same thing in mind when relating to others in my life. God has grace, mercy, forgiveness and love for their prior versions - why wouldn't I? He also has the same grace, mercy, forgiveness and love for their current version - why wouldn't I? We live in a world that is full of sin, even Christians are not immune. We commonly refer to ourselves as "Sinners saved by Grace." It is easy to apply this name to myself and so hard to remember that it applies to others as well.

Thanks be to God that He is continually teaching me and helping me grow into a better versions of myself. A version that I can only pray would resemble Him more and me less.

"Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof-Public Sinner Number One - of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off-evidence of his endless patience-to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever."

1 Timothy 1:15-16 MSG

An Ache In My Heart

I just feel like writing for a minute about how hard it is to watch loved ones go through faith-shaking experiences. This is not meant to undermine or diminish the trial that they are going through - it's just that I was thinking this morning: being part of a support system (family, friends, church, etc) can be rough when ultimately the only thing that is the most helpful is intangible and out of our control.

When people you love are hurting, it hurts. There are so many things that you may want to say as encouragement but it may not be the time for words. Knowing in your heart that God is Sovereign over all, that He loves stronger and deeper than you could ever love, that God is Good and his plans are Good, that he never loses control of an uncontrollable situation - knowing these things are foundational but speaking them aloud to a hurting loved one can sometimes bring pain and confusion; it may be needed but sometimes, to be honest, it hurts to hear it.

Prayer is powerful. God listens to the prayers of his people. Yet why does it feel so helpless to have nothing to do but pray? Sure, there are things to do that are helpful and beneficial: bring meals, keep company, etc., but they feel so inadequate when what I want to do is fix the situation myself.

As I've been thinking about this, there are a quite few verses that have been jumping into my mind, refuting the helpless feeling that is encroaching on my heart.

I know for a fact that I did not fully understand the gift of love from those who were supporting us while we were waiting for Micah. As I experience this heart-ache for those in my life who are hurting, I am reminded of our loved ones that felt this way for us and I am beyond grateful, I am humbled. Thank you.

We continue to wait and pray for God's will in a present situation. We know that he can do more than we could ever dream. We know that he is faithful and we are asking him to help us be a strong support for our loved ones. This ache in my heart is a constant reminder to pray - it is the best thing that I can do.

Live Generously

I have started reading through the Bible again for my daily devotions. For months it seemed that I just could not get it together in that department. I would think of a million excuses for not sitting down and picking up the Bible to read. My most commonly used excuse was, "My brain is too tired, I just want to veg and not think." Or another, "Wasting time on the computer is so much more fun than reading the Bible." For months these excuses worked and my spiritual-life and thought-life suffered for it (not to mention the housework).

Last month my husband began to encourage me to start again. Subtly at first and then a direct encouragement about the difference he saw in my spirit when I was having my relationship-building quiet times with God. I couldn't deny the difference I felt within myself and so I prayed for strength and started again, with the New Testament this time. I am so thankful that God has been drawing me back to a closer walk with Him. He has been faithful in encouraging my heart and giving conviction and challenges left and right.

Most recently the conviction and challenge that has been in my mind the most is from Matthew 5:41-42:

And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life.No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. [Emphasis mine]  

 And further down, in verse 48:

In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you. [Emphasis mine]

This is such a huge challenge for me because I can, at times, tend to stew and mull and nit-pick and jump to invalid conclusions.  It can be so hard for me to just let things go. I don't like confrontation at all, in fact I tend to avoid it, to a fault. I would much rather just play the offense over and over in my head so that I can pick apart every detail of it.

These verses and the challenges contained in them came at a time when I really needed them. My prayer has been, "Lord, help me live generously and graciously. Help me let it go." Over and over, fighting the urge to replay the scene(s) in a continual loop. Did I win every single battle? No. But I believe God has the victory and I was able to swallow my pride and just let some things go. And you know what? After a little while, it actually felt good to do so. So often I feel like my emotions dictate the situation and that actually makes me feel out of control and locked into a pattern of "tit-for-tat" mentally. Letting it go felt like I was back under control and it was a relief.

God is so awesome! I love it when he prepares me for situations ahead of time. I love it even more when he reminds me that I am prepared for the battle and gives me his strength to face it.

Remember, from before?

Remember when I used to blog almost every week? That was fun. I think I'll try that again.  

It took some time (6 months) to get back into consistent devotional time. But I've just started reading through the New Testament and am already feeling the urge to get back to my brand of "journaling." It is so neat to see how God's Word applies all the time. Every new situation and season of life brings new perspective and new things to learn from a God who never changes. I am hoping to get start publishing some thoughts again in this coming week.

One YEAR!

I have officially been journaling for ONE YEAR!! I feel like this is some progress in my life since I usually give up my journals within a few short weeks after starting them.  Maybe if my other journals gave me such great interaction and feedback as this one has things would have been different ;oP

Anyway, what an amazing, awesome thing to be able to look back over this year and see in writing everything God has taught me, everything he is still working out in my life, and the hope of things he will continue to unfold along this journey.  It is incredible to see how much my perspective has changed in such a short time. As I remember back to some of the hardest things I have journaled about - struggling to hold on to hope while waiting for our child, struggling to hold on while it felt like our finances were crumbling, learning how to regroup after intense conviction in my heart - those times felt like I'd never move on from them, as if my whole would stop in the midst.  However, in hindsight, they really do feel like "light momentary afflictions" just as the Bible calls them.  Don't get me wrong, the lessons haven't been forgotten, the pain needed be recovered from (some that is still slightly there) but God was faithful in being by my side and healing the pain.

How encouraging that is! Each and every hard time, frustration, confusion, was used to bring me closer to God (Philippians 2:13 ESV). I am confident that I will continue to have hard times, frustrations, confusions as well as happy times and exciting insights that will stir my heart to God - I have a lot of learning to do and God won't give up until it's done. I'm looking forward to what my God has to teach me during this next year and I'm really looking forward to journaling about it!

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." 2 Corinthians 4:17 ESV

"for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:13 ESV

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

Over-sharing or Under-sharing

As I've written before, Jeremy and I had been in the adoption process for almost two years. Our agency was/is terrific at encouraging it's prospective adoptive parents to at least consider what life will be like after the adoption. They gave us a heads-up to the types of attitudes, misconceptions, and falsities that surround the adoption event. They also helped equipped us with lots of accurate information and powerful, positive examples to the beauty of adoption so that we would be able to stand strong in the face of negativity or have grace when correcting a misunderstanding.

This equipping began almost as soon as we signed the paperwork to begin our adoption process.  At this time, we decided that we were open to adopting a child of any racial decent. We felt/feel that the love for children that God has given to us and the desire to be parents is not influenced by the color of a child's skin or their cultural background. However, we were not blind to the fact that being a family of mixed cultural backgrounds would have been noticeable.  Therefore, while we waited we started preparing ourselves to be a family that "looked different" from most other families.  We read books, articles, blogs. I researched skin and hair care information and looked into local school diversity statistics, etc. However, the biggest, most constant preparation was the almost daily development of what would be our "adoption conversation" - I guess more accurately, it woud be "adoption conversations." There is the adoption conversation that we have with our child, the one we have with family and friends and the conversation we would have with random people on the street that ask about our child. For two years we had been prepping ourselves mostly for the latter conversation. The former two are mostly dependent on the actual situation that would come our way. 

Our dilemma was this - how do we be open and positive when we talk about our adoption, but not be too open and lose all sense of family privacy? We were helped in the knowing that we were not the only ones to ever have that question, in fact we have a few close friends that are in the very same place. We knew that they would be open to helping us make the transition necessary to be a multicultural family. [Man, I feel like this part is dragging on forever, but it is important to the question I now have been struggling with.]

Ok, so I said all that to give the background for what I spent a few weeks working out in my brain ... our son looks like us! Now, don't get me wrong, I think he is the most adorable thing in the world, I know that God planned him for us and we are so in love with this little boy, there is no hesitation what-so-ever in claiming him as our son. But, I didn't plan on him looking like us! :oD I struggled with feelings of guilt that I wasn't sharing at least some of our adoption story each time someone said, "He is such a cute baby!" "He's how old? Wow, you look good (obviously assuming that I had given birth)!"  As if maybe it would appear as though I was trying to hide his adoption. It took me a while to realize that our family story was just that, our family's story. I don't have to share it with everyone I come in contact with and I can choose when and if I share it with those outside the family.

Jer and I are very firm with keeping some of Micah's story just for him and letting him learn how to decide when and if he shares it. I think it's kinda funny/neat that God had me experience just what I'm sure Micah will go through once he learns all about himself.  I hope that as I learn I will remember to share with him in his joy, excitement, confusion, frustration...whatever he may feel at that moment he decides to take ownership of his adoption story.

Yes, It's True...

I am a mom. 

I had hoped and dreamed of the day that I would get to say (type) those words. After 7 years of waiting for God to bless us with a child and 20 months of being an approved, waiting, adoptive mother - my dream has come true.  That feels like an understatement. God totally blew us out of the water with the amazing orchestration of our lives meeting up with our son's life. 

A couple Christmases ago a friend had given me this plaque. I hung it on our nursery door as a reminder that God is able to do so much more than we could ever think to dream. This Christmas, God gave us the gift of knowing that we would certainly be parents. We had the joy of meeting with our son's birthmother the week of Christmas.  She was so great to talk to and we felt so comfortable with her. We shared funny stories and just got to know each other a little bit - such a wonderful memory for us and one that we will be happy to share with our little guy as he grows up.

It was late at night on a Thursday when we got the call - our son was on his way - his birthmother was in labor.  Even with all of our careful planning and lists, it took us a half hour to get out the door and drive an hour to the hospital.

Catching a few long blinks while waiting.

After a long night of waiting and worrying and hoping and praying, our son Micah Benjamin was born at 6:32 the next morning! We were ecstatic! By 6:45 a.m. we were taken back to the nursery to see our son for the first time. Up until then, I had envisioned myself weeping at the sight but as we walked up to his bassinet, there was nothing but extreme joy and excitement in my heart - all I could do was SMILE. He was just the most precious thing in the world! The nurses were still doing their work, so we just talked to him and got to hold his hands as he showed off his exceptional lung capacity.

That day felt like an amazing dream and it only got better as time went on.  Since I wasn't recovering from delivery, I had the joy of giving Micah his first bath, Jeremy helped the nurse capture Micah's footprints and we both got to comfort him after the unpleasant experience of getting his heel pricked a few times. The hospital stay was another gift from God. We actually got to stay in our own room in the hospital AND Micah roomed-in with us! Such a gift that we could only wish and dream about before.  Those two days felt nice and long - we got to get to know our little baby boy while surrounded with such an awesome nursing staff, such a luxury.

Then it was time to leave. We were so excited and yet of course scared to leave the security of the hospital. The drive home felt so surreal, it was an hour drive that seemed to hurry past and then, we were home: Daddy, Mommy and Micah, the family that God created long before any of us were born.

The past six weeks have been such an amazing gift from God. We are parents, complete with the sheer joy of seeing your baby smile (even if it isn't at us yet) or happily kick his legs off in the bath or when the doctor says, "he's a very healthy baby," the sheer exhaustion of multiple wake-ups in the middle of the night,  the frustration when he wakes up as we put him down, the deep satisfaction when he calms down as we pick him up.

We have been standing here watching God take care of every detail that we were worried about as well as new details that came up along the way. We have seen him give us way more than we ever thought possible. We know that as Micah grows up and we grow as parents our God will continue to orchestrate our lives to bring about all the glory due His awesome name.

We praise God for His awesome love for us! For being faithful in all His promises!

He gives childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children. 

Hallelujah!

Psalm 113:9

Journal? What Journal?

There has been a lot going on this past month. So much that I haven't had the time or the mental capacity to sit and write a journal entry.  They only reason I'm doing it now is because I already know that it will be short and sweet and that I'll fill in some details at a later date.

So, here's what's been going on in my life this past month:

12/19: We received "the call" and were told that our adoption profile had been selected by a birthmother for her baby to be born mid-January.

12/21: We had our "match meeting" with the birthmother and had a wonderful time. We were able to laugh and share stories and felt like we really connected with her (as much as is possible in a 2 hour meeting).

1/14/11: Our son, Micah Benjamin Verrillo was born at 6:32am. The Lord blessed us with the ability to be with him from 10 minutes after he was born, only leaving our side for about 2.5 hours in total so far. What an answer to prayer! He is just the cutest little baby and it is such a joy for us! 

That's all for now, I promise to write more later. For now though, I feel kind of like a funnel - there's so much emotion, thoughts, etc on one end and only a few are making it to the surface for now. 

God Bless! Hope to be back soon!

Imperfection At It's Best

Sometimes I get into the habit of thinking that I've got it all together - I think, "I got this." Lately, however, I've been coming face to face with my absolute humanity. There is a reason there is a Proverb that says, "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." I'm usually a pretty crafty person and enjoy doing lots of creative things but recently it seems as though everything I put together falls apart pretty quickly or just doesn't come together the way I thought/hoped it would.  When this happens a lot, I tend to start feeling like a failure and not even want to try anything. Of course, this Christmas I have a few crafty projects on my to-do list and have been a little apprehensive about starting them for fear of failure. And it's not just the crafting stuff that I've been feeling like a failure about, there are other areas in my life that have had the light of God's correction on them and I've just been so, hmmmm...embarrassed, frustrated, annoyed with myself, etcetera, etcetera...about them. So this morning I took some time and prayed about it all. As I was praying a list began forming in my mind...

I am not perfect, the list:

• I focus on myself when I should focus on others
• I spend when I should save
• I save when I should give
• I yell when I should keep my mouth shut
• I keep my mouth shut when I should speak up
• I am not offended when there is an offense against God's Kingdom
• I am quick to be offended when my pride is injured
• I have my feet up relaxing when my hand should be to the plow
• My hand is to the plow when I should be resting
• I am not happy with what God has generously given and all too often only notice the blessing when it's gone
• I give up when I should press on
• I press the issue when I should relent

On and on the list can go. As my "imperfection list"began getting longer and longer and as I quickly spouted one thing off after another, a section from Paul's letter to the Romans came to my mind, 

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." (ESV)

You would think that my list of imperfections would keep me down in the dumps and my head down in frustration and guilt. But just as I began feeling like there is no hope and I'll never have what it takes, I remembered, "DUH, that's exactly how I'm supposed to feel in light of Jesus' perfection."

The light began to peak through the darkness that I was feeling in my heart and I began to realize that God has been showing me just how much I need Him. The list of my imperfections is so long and all too true. But does that mean that I am doomed to failure for my entire life? Nope. Because once this life on earth is done my new life will begin and never end. The life of righteousness that is promised to all those who trust in Christ and him alone for salvation.

Updates on Prayers

I'm the type of person that likes updates when I'm praying for people. So, I thought it would be good for me to take some time to give you some updates on things that I've been praying about lately, just in case you have been praying as well. 

First, on the adoption front, there have been one or two more situations with our agency for which we were not chosen. It is strange to say, but I had total peace about those decisions. There was one that we felt like was a big stretch for us but went for it anyway. God knows us better than we know ourselves and so it was a weird kind of relief when we weren't selected. There haven't been any new situations with the agency for a few weeks now. I'm not really concerned because I remember last year being the same way, so I feel more prepared for this year.

Secondly, on the job/finances front, I have found a part-time jobish type thing. I have a hard time calling it a job because it doesn't actually pay money. You might think I'm crazy given our financial state-of-affairs, but Jeremy has been able to pick up more coverage hours since the beginning of the school year, which has meant more inflow of money. The Lord is really providing for our needs now (and even some wants too!). I will most likely have to revisit the job-that-pays-money situation in the spring though because Jeremy's ability to work at schools will greatly decrease. But that's okay and I'm sure God will provide what we need when we need it.

So what is this job-type situation? Well, I've been working a couple/few days a week for a guy that teaches cooking classes! I stay in the background (setting up ingredients, washing dishes, etc.) while he is teaching the class. I LOVE it! In return for my hard work I get to take any class I want to for free AND if I work a bunch of times without taking classes I can have my own "party" and do a class with a bunch of my friends! This is such a good fit for me because I love to cook and I love to learn about cooking (I used to watch the Food Network for HOURS). It has been a huge blessing and a relief to the loneliness and purposelessness that I've been feeling.

Well, speaking of purpose, I have to end this entry now. I have a disgusting carpet that unfortunately won't steam clean itself. Thanks for reading and keeping me in your prayers! 

A Life on Hold, Defined.

Two years ago this week Jeremy & I attended an Educational Training for Domestic Adoption with our adoption agency.  We had literally just begun the paperwork "phase" of our adoption and attending this required, half-day class really started to make the whole thing real. Very little that we actually talked about has stuck with me (except for the part about me using poor "adoption language" because I was so focused on NOT using poor "adoption language" and I got to be an example for the whole class. And then there was the part where I was made to feel like an idiot because I have such a strong relationship with my family...but I digress). Thankfully, at this class we were given a big binder with tons of articles and information regarding adoption, child development, resources for what to do when there may be an adoption related issue with our child. On our ride home I began flipping through the binder and happened upon an interesting article titled "Lessons Learned While Waiting" by Dawn Powell, an adoptive mother.

The first lesson was "Don't put your life on hold while waiting. Make plans, commit to engagements, vacations, etc. Plan and do whatever you would do normally. Psalm 90:12" At the time I remember thinking, "That should be easy since we probably won't be waiting that long anyway." Cut to two years later and a year and a half in waiting status with our agency. Over the course of the year and half of waiting there were times that it was really hard to not be "on hold" and there have been times where life has almost been normal.

This week, when I picked up this binder to page through it again (I had no idea, but it was the exact two year mark, weird, right?), I turned to this page once more and I immediately felt sick. I've been flooded with memories of choices I've made, feelings I've had that all equal a life on hold. If someone had told me then, what I know now, I wonder how things would be different. Well, in the interest of hopefully helping someone else not make the same mistakes, here are some examples of a life on hold:

• Daily Life: When I first left my full-time job in order to work with Jeremy's company, I was ecstatic. I was so thankful that God had given me the opportunity, that he had blessed their hard work so that it was even feasible (still praising him now for that). But I went even further and saw it as a sign that God was freeing me up to be a stay-at-home mom just like I'd always dreamed. I spent most of my days getting the house ready for a baby, making sure everything was clean and organized. Everything I did was because we had/have an adoption in the works and everyone says how sudden it is when you get "the call". For a while, I always wanted be at home when the agency called. When I went to the store, I would envision myself having to have what could be a very emotional conversation in the middle of Wegmans (for example).
• Vacations: Yes, we went on vacations during these past two years. They were even fun. But to be honest I don't think I was completely present. On more than one occasion we had just gotten information about an adoptive situation and requested our profile to be shown to the birth parents. During our vacation we were waiting to hear what the outcome would be. I spent an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming about how fun it would be to get "the news" while we were with friends and family. Then, as time wore on, I would know in my gut that we weren't chosen and my thoughts would switch to "how am I going to keep it together and pretend everything is ok" when we would get the confirmation. 
• Missions: During our two years in this adoption journey there have been two opportunities to serve on short term missions trips. Both opportunities were declined because I was fearful of what would happen if we finally were chosen and we were no where near home and couldn't be reached by the agency. I'm so ashamed that I let my fears and my selfishness get in the way of what could have been a wonderful time of serving God.

I think the living of my life has been on hold. I may go through the motions and make plans, attend events, etc. In the article, Dawn Powell urged waiting parents to do what they would normally do. But I would go further, I would encourage waiting parents to strive to be present while you are doing what you normally do. Fight the desire to make everything about the waiting. Try to experience life to the fullest, take advantage of every opportunity that God gives you during this time.  Sure, waiting is a huge part of your life...unescapable for a time...and no one can really understand it unless you've been through it (or are still going through it). I wish I would have known what exactly I had to guard against in the beginning - the desire to live in the waiting, instead of living while I'm waiting. Thankfully, God has decided to make it clear to me now. I wish I could flip a switch and just stop the struggle, but in fact, it will take a battle to actually start living life again.

Oh! Teach us to live well! 

Teach us to live wisely and well!

Psalm 90:12 MSG

Job Search

I wonder, does everyone else in the world go through the same struggle of trying to keep up with a journal or is it just me? I've never really been good at it; I go through phases at best.  I probably should have 'fessed up to that in the beginning, oh well. Here's what is going on in my spiritual journey these days. I've almost completely decided that I'm going to be searching for a part-time job in the very imminent future (convincing?). It's been in the back of my mind for a long time now and I've been sort of praying about a what to do, where to apply, etc. In the past few weeks it's been in the very front of my mind and I pray about it every time I think of it.  I have never felt so directionless in my life, ok, probably I have - but I'm starting to get annoyed with myself.

There are so many things that I want to get out of this "job" this time around. I don't want a career, I want a job. Thankfully, the income needs only be supplemental, so I want to do something I like to do, and not feel bad about not being paid a lot. This job though, will get me out of the house for a few hours a week so that I can see people and be social again.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that I work from home and have most of my day to myself (I'm selfish like that), but I've been feeling more and more lonely as time goes on and that is not good. I'm looking forward to opening myself up to another "life sphere" as my pastor calls it - an area of influence, people you are in contact with on a regular basis.

The problem is that I'm having a hard time figuring out where I fit in. The last time I worked in a bookstore, I loved it. I enjoyed talking with people about books, music, etc. Sure there were really annoying things that happened and the pay stunk, but when I think back over every job I had, that's what I enjoyed the most. I've been asking God if that's where I fit, if that's where he wants me to be planted and I keep feeling like it's an "almost". I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my laziness or fear of change is weighing too heavily on the decision, or is it truly not the right fit?

Another bit of advice I've been given is to use my creative talents and do something in the graphic design avenue. While this idea is very attractive to me, it is also beyond overwhelming for me to think about. I have no schooling in this area and only minimal experience. I also have a hard time knowing for sure if I'm really good at it or just a hacker. It also doesn't get me out of the house and around people. But am I just being a scaredy cat and not taking a plunge that will lead to a fulfilling employment?

So at the end of this entry I still am filled with questions. After months of passively thinking/praying and weeks of actively thinking/praying about it, I'm still in the same deadlock. Not sure which step to take. I know a decision has to be made and soon. I'll let you know what pans out...in the mean time, any suggestions?

God’s wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes.You don’t find it lying around on the surface. It’s not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. 

1 Corinthians 2:7 

Thoughts from earlier this summer.

I don't know about you (my fellow blogging friends), but after I started blogging or even reading blogs, the way I processed life's happenings changed a little. I started coming up with ways to describe what was happening to other people even in the midst of thing I was planning to describe later. Sick, I know.

About a month before our annual vacation (which occurred last week), we started to loose some footing with our finances. During one of the discussions surrounding this issue I was feeling really overwhelmed and a little frightened. As I was trying to process everything all of a sudden this exact thought went through my head, "Financially we are not doing so great. Actually to be more precise, we are drowning." Who does that? Who comes up with these "one-liners" in order to make sense of everything going on? Well, apparently, I do. 

Here's the awesome thing about my thought process, as soon as I thought the word "drowning", the imagry of an article I had read a couple weeks before came washing over me. This article is about what it really looks like when one is drowning. The author is Mario Vittone and he points out that actual drowning looks nothing like what we are so used to seeing on TV. The TV version shows someone splashing and screaming and able to turn attention to themselves. The real version is much scarier, silence and apparent calm. If you were to observe someone in the process of drowning from behind, you might never know that they are actually in grave danger.

The connection I made in my mind and my heart that evening was this, people wouldn't know to look at us that we are struggling everyday to keep our head above water, but we are. My instinct in trouble is to be tight lipped, to smile and act like I don't feel that my world is crumbling around me. When the illustration of drowning was applied to this instinct, I was convicted once again that, as a Christian this is not how I am supposed to behave. I'm supposed to be open about my short-comings and failures so that the glory and honor of any of "my" success is directed to God. When others see me experience hard times*, they will also get to see God work when he provides over and above what we could have asked for.  How will they know the greatness of what God has done if they don't see the depth of where I was? I was reminded of Paul and his openness about who he was before Christ entered his life. He was so open about not earning any of the grace he received. I was encouraged by his letter to Timothy, in it he says:

The only credentials I brought to it were invective and witch hunts and arrogance. But I was treated mercifully because I didn’t know what I was doing—didn’t know Who I was doing it against! Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus. Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I’m proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever. (1 Tim 1:13-16)

Once again I'm striving to be more open about all that God has done for me. It's sort of easier to do in writing, since I don't have to see anyone's face. But I've been trying to push myself to not just smile and say "everything's fine" when people ask. I'm making an effort to be more accurate, to not play out a charade and let others see that God is able to be trusted even in the hard times.



*I recently found two sections of scripture that help in the midst of a hard time as a result of my bad decisions and sinful nature. These are Romans 6 and Lamentations 3. Both are excellent and well worth a read if you have time.

Dear Journal,

It's been such a long time since I've written anything.  There's so much going on inside my head and my heart, I feel like I can't get a grasp on any one thing to make a good journal entry about it. My "friendship" study is not going anywhere and I feel like my Bible reading is pretty aimless right now.  I want my heart to be full of praising God for all the good he has done, for all of his provisions and protection, for the beauty of his creation and so on. Instead, while I do praise him and thank him, my heart is full of questions, weary from waiting, wondering at his plan. I guess I need to start practicing what is taught in the Psalms to get my soul out of the dumps. I need to start "rehearsing everything I know of [him]." (Psalm 42:6) So, here we go, my list of what I personally know of God (and can put into words).

• God created this earth and I am continually enthralled by the beauty of his artistry.
• God is in control over everything and nothing goes unnoticed by him.
• God loves me and in his love, he disciplines me 
• God never pushes me past the limit in any test or temptation I face.
• God chooses better for me than I choose for myself. Even if it doesn't always feel like it at the time.
• God gives good gifts - just what we need, just when we need it
• God listens to my heart, knows what I am feeling, and provides answers and encouragement through conversations with fellow believers, through songs on the radio, through sermons at church and through my quiet time with Him.
• God has spared my very life on multiple occasions. He knows how long I will live.
• God provides people to love me the way I am and gives me love for people, just the way they are.

There is so much more but this is a good list for me to repeat to myself for the day.

Psalm 42:5-9 MSG

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.

Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.

Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
“Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?”

Being Thrown For A Loop.

About once a month (ahem) I struggle with keeping my emotions in check. I'm fairly certain that this is a very common struggle among women. This month seemed like even more of a struggle for me since there were a couple more compounding circumstances than usual.  On Monday, our less than three year old refrigerator died and needs a costly repair. After a long day of not knowing if we could afford the repair, God totally provided and the repair will happen.  However, the earliest appointment we could get was a week and a half from then, this coming Wednesday.   The next day, I spotted a leak in our ceiling right under where our laundry closet is on the third floor. Lovely. It is not a leak from our washer, it's actually from our dryer vent. So now THAT needs to be fixed too.  Yay - owning a home is fun! Any other day these things would definitely seem minor and I know that I would be able to roll with the seemingly never ending punches. This week, not so much. So, I've been grumpy, downcast, annoyed at little things, and generally feeling defeated. 

This morning is when everything started to catch up to me: circumstances, hormones, etc. etc. and I started to feel like I was coming apart at the seams.  Then I realized that I had let my quiet times with God lapse. I had still been praying, but not as often and not as in depth as I had been before. So, as hard as it was, I opened my Bible and prayed for comfort. Two verses came to mind and so I concentrated on reading those and praying through them.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV

I certainly was feeling heavy laden and was in desperate need of rest from the frustrations of this world.  So, I went to Him, I continued to read and pray through verses that had given me comfort before, such as Romans 8:24-28. I was starting to feel better, more controlled. I was just about to finish up with my quiet time and another verse floated through my head with a melody that I had learned a long time ago. The funny thing is I could only remember the first part of the verse and it got me thinking...

Let not your hearts be troubled. 

Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV

Over and over again in my head, I was hearing "Let not your hearts be troubled, let not your hearts be troubled..." And then it dawned on me. This is an ACTIVE command, "LET NOT your hearts be troubled. BELIEVE in God, BELIEVE also in me." I have a responsibility to not let my heart become troubled with everything that is going on! I have always considered this a passive, encouragement from Jesus. But I now think that it is a command to turn off the voices of worry and woes and choose to believe in God, choose to believe in Jesus. Instead of letting my emotions run crazy and my hopes and dreams plummet to the floor to be trampled, I need to pick myself up and not "let these things throw [me]." as the Message version puts it. So, I wiped my tears from my eyes and determined to move on, believe in God and trust His plan for my life.

Thoughts about "Women, Food and God" part 1

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. This post has been rattling around in my head for a good week or so.  Every time the thoughts are at their clearest and flowing freely, I am either in the middle of something or have yet to begin a chore that I desperately need to do.  Then, when the time comes to get it out, the thoughts aren't there or aren't as clear. Frustrating. So, I apologize for any rambling-ness to this entry.


I recently listened to an audiobook that was lent to me by a friend. It's a popular title, "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I am glad to have listened to this book, because I may not have made it all the way through if I was reading it. I'm also glad for some of the thoughts that were expressed in the book. It was written for anyone who eats or thinks about food obsessively or nearly obsessively. I valued a lot of what Ms. Roth had to say and I think it shed some light on an area in my life that I had not been thinking about correctly. However there are quite a few ideas and views with which I certainly did not agree. First and foremost, I did not agree with how she identified and defined "God." All I will say about that for now is that this book does not refer to the One True God rather a god that was created by the author for her own benefit and the supposed benefit of the reader.


The disagreement I'd like to unfold more is her idea that in order to set things right in our mind we need to find and go back to the part that is inside each of us that is not broken, still pure, and that we are to learn to trust ourselves again by focusing on and identifying this part in our being. There was so much riding on this idea in the book that I'm actually surprised that I still found some helpful ideas, but I did. 


I agree with her that the way I have viewed food and eating is broken and I really appreciated some ideas and guidelines that she suggested to help relearn how to view food correctly.  However, I firmly disagree with the idea that suggests that there is any part of myself that is unbroken or completely pure. You see, I'm human and therefore when I was born I was already imperfect. In this world there is no one that is perfect, no one that is unbroken, not even one. So, I have been irked by this idea since she first brought it up. 


If I am to make any headway in solving this broken area in my life I need to rely on *THE* Unbroken One, The God and Father who created us and loves us even in our brokenness.  I need to continually acknowledge that I do not have the power to fix myself and humbly admit that there is nothing good in me save the work of my Father in my heart.  HE provided the solution to this sinful state that we live in.  I think that buying into this idea that there is some part of me that has been unaffected by the world is going to lead to nothing but frustration and discouragement and will just feed into the cycle.


Since listening to this book I have been praying that God would give me the wisdom I need to make better choices regarding food and my relationship to it. He is faithful just as he says he will be:

If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father.

He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be

condescended to when you ask for it.

James 1:5 MSG

Praying to God (the real one) and really thinking about the reasons I want to eat at any particular time has been a huge help. It takes practice and there are a few helpful suggestions that Geneen Roth has provided. I plan on writing about this book again (hence the part 1 in the title), but for now I just had to get these thoughts out before I completely lost them.

Book Suggestions Needed.

I have just officially finished reading completely through the Bible at the beginning of this week. It was such a wonderfully growing experience. In the last couple of days I have begun to do some reading on the first topic I mentioned in my previous entry - friendship.  I'm reading the concordance verses (along with the contextual verses) that are listed for "friendship" and I can tell that I'm going to need to look into some more resources and do some more digging if I want this to be a meaningful learning experience. So, does anyone have any suggestions? Any study books that have helped you in this area of your life? 

You use steel to sharpen steel,

and one friend sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Haha, I couldn't resist putting these songs on here.