My mind is pretty much a mess right now. I'm praying hard, trying to apply all that I've been learning over the past couple weeks. I really want the Lord to hear my prayer and answer in favor of my request. I really want his will to be what I want...let me phrase it so that it is more clear what I'm saying. I want Him to want what I want. I know! I just wrote about how this is totally a wrong way to view prayer and waiting. I'm in constant conversation with my Lord; in my heart I know that His will is best. My mind keeps begging him to hear my prayer and include my desire in his plan. I feel like the widow who kept nagging the judge to hear her case (Luke 18:1-7). However, it's not like I've been mistreated. My life has been blessed immensely by God. He has already done more than I could ever have dreamed.
The other side of this internal conversation is urging me to want what God wants. Nothing is good unless it comes from him. Nothing is perfect unless his hand is on it (James 1:17). I truly know this and believe it but it's so hard to just surrender and give up control.
As a side note, this small little entry took me 9 hours to finish. I started at 2 and have been staring at the half written post wondering how to bring it around. Today, I wasn't feeling it. Tomorrow, I pray that I will be able to focus on what God wants, to immerse myself even more in His word so that my spirit and soul can make battle on an attitude of discontent that is clearly evident in this entry. Maybe I should start with Job 41.