I love the idea of facebook. Connecting once again to people you've lost touch with after school or people you used to work with but don't get to see very often. It is a joy for me to see so many of the "girls" I went through school with become beautiful, strong, women of God. However, to be honest ever since I began my facebook account I have had many, many thought-sessions about who I was in high school, who I was in college and who I am now.
I think that's why it was so great for me to hear Beth Moore's conference about insecurities (as I mentioned in this previous entry) and becoming a secure woman of God. I have struggled with insecurity for the better part of my life and especially so in high school. I was painfully shy and extremely self-conscious. There were so many things about myself that I hated and I was so sure that they were the only things about me that anyone else could see. Right now as I'm typing this out I'm tempted to list all those things out because they are so fresh in my mind and after so many years, they are still the same things that taunt me quite often - but that wouldn't be very helpful for anyone.
There is a quote from the teaching at the conference on Saturday that I have been trying to grasp and take hold of in my life. I'm not sure if she says this quote in her book (I've started it but am only 3 chapters in), but at the conference Beth (we're on a first name basis now) said, "As Christians we are to be poster-children of a 'before and after' life." What she meant was that if we are about to react to a situation out of insecurity, we need to stop and think, "this is how I would have reacted then, but now I'm a secure woman of God and need to react in a different way." This thought has been rocking my world.
Hence, the reason I've been thinking a lot of my "before." It is so uncomfortable for me to think about this type of decision making and reaction style. It feels so opposite to myself...AND IT IS! That's the point. And yet I still get all nervous and anxious just thinking about it. This is where the other tidbits that I've been reading come in to view. Ephesians 4:30 says, "...his Holy Spirit moving and breathing in you is the most intimate part of your life..." That verse has been my memory verse for the week (and yet I still looked it up to make sure I got it right). The chapter that I'm reading in the book Metamorpha talks about relating to the Holy Spirit as a person, not just a power available to me. This person lives and moves within me and knows me better than I know myself. This relationship with the Holy Spirit is where I get the strength to live out a life that demonstrates security in Christ.
Since I got back from the conference I have been making an effort to do the self-talk thing, trying to figure out an "after" way of thinking about myself and living my life. However, it's surprisingly hard and I'm going to be praying and thinking through it for a while I think.