Before and After

I love the idea of facebook. Connecting once again to people you've lost touch with after school or people you used to work with but don't get to see very often.  It is a joy for me to see so many of the "girls" I went through school with become beautiful, strong, women of God.  However, to be honest ever since I began my facebook account I have had many, many thought-sessions about who I was in high school, who I was in college and who I am now. 

I think that's why it was so great for me to hear Beth Moore's conference about insecurities (as I mentioned in this previous entry) and becoming a secure woman of God. I have struggled with insecurity for the better part of my life and especially so in high school. I was painfully shy and extremely self-conscious. There were so many things about myself that I hated and I was so sure that they were the only things about me that anyone else could see. Right now as I'm typing this out I'm tempted to list all those things out because they are so fresh in my mind and after so many years, they are still the same things that taunt me quite often - but that wouldn't be very helpful for anyone.

There is a quote from the teaching at the conference on Saturday that I have been trying to grasp and take hold of in my life. I'm not sure if she says this quote in her book (I've started it but am only 3 chapters in), but at the conference Beth (we're on a first name basis now) said, "As Christians we are to be poster-children of a 'before and after' life." What she meant was that if we are about to react to a situation out of insecurity, we need to stop and think, "this is how I would have reacted then, but now I'm a secure woman of God and need to react in a different way." This thought has been rocking my world.

Hence, the reason I've been thinking a lot of my "before." It is so uncomfortable for me to think about this type of decision making and reaction style. It feels so opposite to myself...AND IT IS!  That's the point. And yet I still get all nervous and anxious just thinking about it. This is where the other tidbits that I've been reading come in to view.  Ephesians 4:30 says, "...his Holy Spirit moving and breathing in you is the most intimate part of your life..." That verse has been my memory verse for the week (and yet I still looked it up to make sure I got it right).  The chapter that I'm reading in the book Metamorpha talks about relating to the Holy Spirit as a person, not just a power available to me. This person lives and moves within me and knows me better than I know myself.  This relationship with the Holy Spirit is where I get the strength to live out a life that demonstrates security in Christ.

Since I got back from the conference I have been making an effort to do the self-talk thing, trying to figure out an "after" way of thinking about myself and living my life. However, it's surprisingly hard and I'm going to be praying and thinking through it for a while I think.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

This morning my mind was drawn back to the famous quote from the movie Jaws, "We're gonna need a bigger boat!" I was thinking back over everything that I've been learning these past couple days and I just feel so overwhelmed by all of the challenges and encouragements that are now floating around in my head.  I think I need about an hour a day for a month or so to be able to start making headway on taking these lessons into my life and being changed by them.

After about a month of feeling like I was a sitting duck waiting for my next lesson(s)...Whoosh...here they all come at about the same time.  All of these lessons are connected together, but I need time before I'm able to make all the connections make sense.  

On Saturday, April 24th I attended a Beth Moore conference based on her book So Long, Insecurity.  I was reminded and encouraged of so much regarding my security in Christ. I haven't read the book yet, but I am now planning on it (it's been on my iPhone for about a month -  all I need to do is take the time to read it). I'll share with you just one of the challenges I heard at the conference:  

• Insecurity is not just a minor weakness, it is a symptom of unbelief. Youch! 

In addition to all of these lessons about my security in Christ, I am reading chapter 4 of the book Metamorpha. This chapter is about the Holy Spirit as a person, alive and living in me. The chapter is so good that I will literally need to read it a couple times before Bible Study on Monday.  One of the ideas in this book that has caught my attention is this:

"We often talk about the Spirit in light of his fruit or power, but rarely do we really know the Spirit as the person who lives within us."

This morning in my prayer time, continuing in my Bible reading (now in Ephesians) this idea was confirmed in chapter 4 verse 30: 

"Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted."

As you can see, my plate is once again full of things to meditate on. But as I've just read, the Holy Spirit is within me and will help me to make sense of it all. He will show me the connections and how they apply to me. Which means that there is plenty for me to journal about for a while.

Connection Failed. Try Again?

These past seven days felt really long. In the beginning things were good and normal. By the end of the week I began feeling parched and a little zombie-ish.  I've been thinking about what/when my next entry would be...thinking about it and only vaguely praying about it.  See, it started one day when there was something more pressing than reading my Bible and praying. Then the next day, something else came up that was also "more important." By day three, the thought was more like, "oh yeah, and I should read my Bible if I have time." That's when my connection started to fail. My prayers became more shallow and less of a conversation. The focus shifted from what God is doing to what I thought he should be doing.

I haven't had a teachable heart these past few days. This morning I made the choice to once again sit and read and pray and open up my heart to my Savior. At this point it was a choice, an action that had come so easily just a week before was now shoved to the back burner, and my heart felt the displacement.  My mind struggled again with sinful thought patterns that have already been conquered.  I guess that's when I realized that I had disconnected myself from The Vine.  This morning's act of humility and obedience felt like cool water to my parched soul.

It is important to remind myself that God did not disconnect from me.  I know this because He has promised it, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you." (Hebrews 13:5). In fact, it was His urging that I was not heeding when I decided to not spend time with him. I'm so thankful that I have a God that pursues a relationship with me. He is jealous for my attention and will not let me go. 

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. 

Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
(James 4:8 ESV)