Enjoying the View

Sometimes I'm able to just sit back and enjoy the view of God working all things together in His time. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's beautiful.  Even when I'm not seeing the actual end result, just the build-up to the crescendo. That's how I feel right now. 

I had a sweet thought yesterday on the way home from Bible study.  During Bible study I had stated that this waiting process has been the hardest thing I have experienced in my life thus far. In the car the thought occurred to me that at some point I will be able to look back and see exactly how God had guided this time. I will be able to see that this time that is really hard is building character in me, it's drawing me closer to my Savior. At some time in the future, this waiting process will be a thing of the past that I will have to try hard to remember exactly how I felt. There will be a new "hardest" trial. The sweetest part of this time is that it is a time that I will look back on and KNOW that God held me up and stayed close to me throughout the entire time. My relationship with God is so completely different know than it ever has been before. So in the midst of this journey of waiting I praise God for bringing the hardship and trial. I praise him for keeping me in the palm of his hand and pursuing His own glory rather than glorifying me. 

I've been hearing a song on the radio recently that has nearly brought me to tears every time I hear it. I've turned the playlist off for now so that you can read the words and not be distracted by a different song. You can watch the slide show with lyrics at YouTube. The song is He Is With You sung by Mandisa, here are the lyrics:

There's a time to live
And a time to die
There's a time to laugh
And a time to cry

There's a time for war
And a time for peace
There's a hand to hold
In the worst of things
In the worst of things

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can't even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby's gone
And your house is still
And your hearts are stone
Crying "God what'd you do that for?"
He is with you

There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There's a time to run
And a time to face it
There's love to seek
In all of this
Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don't know you anymore
And He is with you in the ICU when the doctors don't know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time but joy will come in the morning
The morning light

He is with you when your kids are grown
When there's too much space and you feel alone
And your worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes He is with you when you've given up on ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left and you take your final breath
He is with you

He is with you

I Surrender All.

Who didn't see this coming? The Lord answered my prayers this morning with a resounding "No." It smarts still. I'm trusting in Him and the perfection of his plan. I did read portions of Job this morning, particularly the portions with Job and God's conversation. I was struck by how similar my prayers were to Job's. God's response to Job in chapter 38 is especially humbling.

"[Livi] answered God: “I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything.  
Nothing and no one can upset your plans." Job 42:1

Want, Want, Want

My mind is pretty much a mess right now. I'm praying hard, trying to apply all that I've been learning over the past couple weeks.  I really want the Lord to hear my prayer and answer in favor of my request. I really want his will to be what I want...let me phrase it so that it is more clear what I'm saying. I want Him to want what I want. I know! I just wrote about how this is totally a wrong way to view prayer and waiting. I'm in constant conversation with my Lord; in my heart I know that His will is best. My mind keeps begging him to hear my prayer and include my desire in his plan. I feel like the widow who kept nagging the judge to hear her case (Luke 18:1-7).  However, it's not like I've been mistreated. My life has been blessed immensely by God. He has already done more than I could ever have dreamed.

The other side of this internal conversation is urging me to want what God wants. Nothing is good unless it comes from him. Nothing is perfect unless his hand is on it (James 1:17). I truly know this and believe it but it's so hard to just surrender and give up control.

As a side note, this small little entry took me 9 hours to finish. I started at 2 and have been staring at the half written post wondering how to bring it around. Today, I wasn't feeling it. Tomorrow, I pray that I will be able to focus on what God wants, to immerse myself even more in His word so that my spirit and soul can make battle on an attitude of discontent that is clearly evident in this entry. Maybe I should start with Job 41.